BOGANUS AUSTRALII WORSE THAN BAD DOSE OF BALI BELLY

There’s nothing charming or attractive about Aussies behaving badly – and embarrassingly – abroad

THE most serious Indonesian travel threat is a recent outbreak of the foreign pest Boganus Australii, commonly known as the “Bogan”.

Attracted by cheap flights, online hotel deals and the subservience of the local people, the Bogans – in their natural habitat often a colourful and charming species but far less attractive when migrating – have been flocking to Bali in record numbers in recent years.

The male Bogan spends his days bartering at market stalls, bulk-buying T-shirts that say “Centrelink: Living the Dream” or “Hey Ketut! I f---ed Rhonda’’ for $3 for his derro mates back home. He is also known for his destructive behaviour, which includes throwing beer bottles into the ocean and then complaining about the disgusting state of the beaches the next morning.

Convinced he’s invincible, the male Bogan will ride a scooter without a helmet like a maniac when he’s consumed 24 methanol-laced Hurricane cocktails. Other distinctive behaviour includes his love of knock-off Nike slides, which will make his feet go mouldy, and extreme sunburn, which he will consider a badge of honour.

The male Boganus Australii can be found hunting in groups for female members of the species to mate with. The groups usually contain other males he plays Aussie Rules or NRL with in his home habitat. These conceited, self-satisfied males never quite work out the exchange rate but that doesn’t stop them bartering over everything they want to buy. They don’t know or care that the $10 they spend on a Bintang singlet (furiously bartering the stallholder down from $20) could feed a Balinese family for a week.

The male Bogan also displays colourful markings. These primarily take the form of tattoos covering his arms and legs. They include the names and birthdays of his children and a symbol he later finds out is an ancient Chinese symbol for idiot.

Female members of this species can be found sporting a distinctive form of foot covering called a highheeled thong, which they will pair with tiny denim shorts and a bikini top. Such items are chosen to make them attractive to the male Bogan at mating time.

The female Bogan will complain loudly when asked to cover up their bodies out of respect at Balinese temples and then bemoan the lack of bar facilities at cultural sites. They will take photos and talk throughout the traditional Indonesian cultural show at their hotel, which they only endure for the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Their colourful offspring, who can still be found wearing nappies at four, sport Bintang T-shirts, cornrow braids and fake tattoos. They spend the majority of their time splashing pensioners in pools and filling their plates full of food they will not eat at hotel buffets.

The Bogan young also refuse to eat any of the local food and cause a major scene in McDonald’s because they have to order a Prosperity Beef Burger rather than a Big Mac.

The more refined members of the species can be found in Seminyak. Snobby and self-satisfied, they hide in hotels such as The Legian and W, flirting with vacationing FIFO miners from WA by the horizon-edge pools. They think they’re better than the common Bogan because their hotel calls itself a “retreat” and they flew Garuda rather than Tiger Air.

When they return to their native lands, they hope their friends will be convinced their Louis Vuitton bags and Chanel sunglasses are real (they aren’t and they won’t).

This species, first introduced to Bali in the 1970s, needs to be eradicated immediately. If you happen to be in Indonesia, stay clear of these noxious pests and report any sighting to the relevant authorities.