PARTNER UP WITH A ‘KDATE’ BARGAIN
Who knew retail therapy could reveal your ‘happily ever after’
ALL the single ladies … you’re welcome.
I’ve just created the best online dating app ever.
Okay, technically I’ve ‘created’ it. Basically, I’ve thought of the idea and now I just need someone who’s good at that computery stuff to make it happen – and fund it.
But still, singletons, I’ve got your back … and soon, so too will your one true love.
I’ve based my dating site on that used by those of the Hebrew faith. JDate is an online service specifically for Jewish singles looking for their chosen one – by signing up you know you’re being matched with people of similar values.
But I take a twist on that tradition … aiming my service instead at those who worship at the altar of cheap but fashionable homewares and clothing. Lovers of Kmart … become lovers of each other. I call it … KDate.
I was inspired by a meme (which I’m pretty sure is how Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity) that read: “Instead of bars, why don’t men hang out at Kmart? There’s plenty of women and they’re already in the market for useless items.”
Genius. And as Shakespeare once said: “Many a true word is spoken in jest.” Also, to paraphrase the Bard: “Dost thou sell marble side tables for $29? Take mine money!”
So, here are my rules. Once you register for KDate, you will be matched with someone in your local Kmart area. You can filter your choices by indicating whether your interests lie in homewares, fashion, toys or outdoorsy stuff (I don’t even know what that section is called, I never go there).
Once matched, you then go on an offical KDate.
Using whatever information you have so far gleaned from your prospective partner, you each nominate how much cash to spend on each other.
I was going to set a standard amount but then I thought letting each other choose is a great psychological insight. Are they a tightwad? Do they know how to bargain shop? Do they think dollars impress you much?
So then, it’s time to shop. Using the cash limit, you each must purchase items you believe the other will love.
This is where you really get a read on their personality. Fluffy cushions = stage 5 clinger. I don’t know why, that’s just what it says to me.
Bathrobe or pyjamas? Someone thinks this date is going all night. Lingerie? Dirty perv. The scandi shoe rack? Over-achiever. Also, a little bit five minutes ago.
The marble side table? Oh, it’s love baby.
Now there are some trickier products that will take careful analysis. If you’re given items from the kids’ clothing section, my first impulse would be to run very fast.
But the truth is that the preteens get way cuter stuff to wear. In fact, my mother, daughter and I are all currently rocking the $19 Kmart kids coatigan. So maybe they’re a keeper? Or … maybe they’re gay. The two are very hard to tell apart.
Now, on the subject of equality and one love, I’m going to nominate Target as the venue for any bisexual or gender fluid clients. That store doesn’t know whether it wants to be Myer or Kmart – yet it still has something for everyone.
So, if you successfully complete your KDate, it’s time to progress to level 2. The iKDate. Yes, the IKEA date.
Look, if you can make it through that labyrinth of lost dreams and broken souls without killing each other or resorting to rocking in the foetal position in some secret Scandi corner, it’s meant to be.
Your KDate just became your KMate.
And if you take that person home and they assemble the flat-pack furniture for you? Well, just remember that returns and exchanges are allowed … and I am well within my rights to dump my own husband and come steal your partner.
Because that would be one Special K.