THIS WEATHER SAVING THE ART OF MAKING SMALL TALK

THANK God for this weather.

I mean, yes, the heat is making it difficult to type straight and I have a large bruise on my hip after sliding right off the toilet due to the tropical conditions in the bathroom, but I’m barracking for some more record-breaking conditions.

The Bureau of Meteorology just announced the Gold Coast officially completed its driest January on record. That’s rainfall, obviously, not alcohol. In that respect, I’m pretty sure it’s been monsoonal for beer.

Last month saw just 4.4mm of rainfall at the Seaway, with the previous record sitting at 5.2mm in 2003. For perspective, average January rainfall is about 150-180mm.

But we’re only following the national trend – summer is just so hot right now. Turns out January 2019 was also Australia’s hottest month on record.

Tasmania is outdoing us all with both its hottest AND driest January on record. That’s maybe not so good. Nobody likes a dry map of Tassie.

Even our northern neighbours are joining in on the fun – with a deadly cold polar vortex ensuring even Hell (an actual town in Michigan) froze over.

So, to be clear, I’m not happy that we Earthlings are alternately shivering and sweating to death; I’m just thrilled that we have something to talk about that we can all agree on.

Instead of focusing on that great orange lump of hot air called Trump, we can focus on that great orange lump of hot air called the sun.

It’s so nice to start a conversation that’s guaranteed to be a safe space.

Sure talking about the weather has historically been considered dull, but when meteorological events are this dynamic, it just can’t be ignored. Simultaneously we have global events like Brexit, national events like Kerry Anne Kennerley and local events like the M1 lights at Yatala that should be ignored … for the sake of future friendships, anyway.

This may be the last chance we have to save the art of small talk – long disparaged but vital to our survival.

As defined by Wikipedia, the purpose of small talk is to act as a bonding ritual. The point being you start small with an outsider and end up enjoying big deep and meaningfuls with a mate.

Yet lately it seems like every conversation with any perfect stranger turns into a perfect storm of political leanings, gender disparity and reality TV (FYI – I’m Team MAFS not MKR).

But now, at last, we really have something to talk about – how about that heat?

And while we start with that one little question, soon our conversation will swell – how about those electricity bills? How about those poor kids in schools without air conditioning? How lucky are we to live near the beach? How about those sharks?

I’m telling you, a few more weeks of this unbearable heat and we’ll be living in one great big lovein. Sure we might be suffering from heatstroke, but the point is that we’ll be suffering together.

Already I see people in our suburb sharing tips on how to keep their lawn a greener shade of brown (hint: it’s a spear pump).

Simultaneously, the climate up north connects us with our Queensland kin. Together we can pitch in to raise money and support for our fellow statesmen dealing with the floods, while enjoying the schadenfreude that it’s not us.

There’s just one small cloud on my horizon: climate change.

No one has brought it up yet, but I can sense it just on the horizon. It’s the ill wind that blows no good.

Instead of agreeing on the heat, we’ll disagree on whom is to blame. Humans? Carbon? Cows? Al Gore?

It’s enough to make me wish for a cool change.