Heartbreak of children who suffer in silence
STEVE is a 16-year-old living on the Gold Coast. For the past 14 years he has been under the watch of Child Safety. This is his story:
“I WAS with my parents for about two years before I was fully taken into the government’s care system. From that day I was set to fail – not by the people who were my socalled parents, but those people who were meant to take me to a better place. And still to this day I never blame them.
“Yeah, my first few foster homes felt like home but then the numbers rolled over – one turned to two and two turned to eventually 28 placements.
“I didn’t ask for this, no one did. I understand that. For many years as a child I was subjected to violence and abuse and sexual abuse. Back then I didn’t understand what was going on so I grew up most of my life thinking I deserved it all and, to be honest, it destroys me now to think that these people let that happen to me.
“Years went by. I learnt to live with my life’s burden of being a so-called mistake – well, at least that’s what I saw myself. Just a kid who was a waste of space in this world.
“More years go by. Now I’m seven years old and I start to question myself and ask myself ‘why do I bother’ and the sad thing is I couldn’t find an answer, so I started getting sadder until my sadness defined who I was.
“I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid – afraid that those I loved would reject me because I felt so much pain.
“By the age 10 I had already cut lines (self-harm) and wanted to end it all.
“In 2010, I moved into a lovely family at the time – or so I thought – for four years. These people abused both me and my younger brother who was living with me. I didn’t tell anyone ... because I thought I had nowhere else to go, nowhere to run, no one to turn to and it stayed like that in my head for many years.
“Teenage life was worse because it’s taken me my whole childhood to realise I shouldn’t have grown up as fast as I did. I should have been able to go to school without fear or to be able to feel happy.
“Most of my life has been s**t, but I will never blame those people who put me here. Why? Because we all make mistakes in life.
“The year 2015 was the worst. That year I expressed my own sexuality and religious beliefs ... people called me names, told me to go kill myself and the only thing that kept me going was my little brother, who no matter what seemed to have a smile on his face. I did it all for him, not me, not the world because I don’t owe them s**t.
“In 2016 I tried to end my life. I didn’t tell anyone because I thought something was wrong with me and for many years I’ve been hiding it. Why? Because in this world the first sign of weakness, the world rejects it.
“In 2018, I made a promise to make a goal not to change only one person’s life but hundreds ... people think it’s impossible, but people also say kids like me are destined to end up dead or in jail and I’m still here. I know I have my mental health issues but I will not, like I said, blame the people who put me in this situation.”
BACK THEN I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON SO I GREW UP MOST OF MY LIFE THINKING I DESERVED IT ALL AND, TO BE HONEST, IT DESTROYS ME NOW TO THINK THAT THESE PEOPLE LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME
If you need someone to talk to call Lifeline on 131 114.