BEERS OF NOW ALL FROTH AND BUBBLE

ONCE real men drank VB, try-hards drank Heineken and tossers drank Coopers.

The roolly sophisticated fellas drank Crownies, thinking the gold labels made them more likely to score cuter chicks.

Now even real men are just as likely to be spotted with a TeddyWidder sour wheat beer at a microbrewery tasting bar. It’s an outrage.

Can you imagine the great cricketer David Boon knocking back 52 double-dry hopped saison craft beers from a nanobrewery on a flight to the UK?

Or Bob Hawke skulling a Raspberry and Honey Blonde Ale from Lady Burra Brewhouse?

Shane Warne wrapping his gob around a I Can’t Believe it’s not Bacon beer from Barossa Valley Brewing? No, no and no.

A new report shows alcohol consumption is at its lowest point since the 1960s, with mass-market beer brands such as VB, XXXX, West End and Carlton Draught leading the decline. Millennials are spearheading the charge, with 57 per cent preferring craft beers, cider and spirits over a basic brewskie.

According to Carlton United Brewery boss Peter Filipovic, drinkers are now demanding moderation, gluten-free, low-alcohol beers and even no-alcohol beers. That’s why we’re seeing soaring sales of beers like gluten-free beer Hahn Ultra Crisp and the sneaky little Carlton Zero which has no alcohol at all.

No alcohol beer? What’s the bloody point of that?

Now even brands like Iron Jack “Inspired By Tales Of Legendary Australian Outdoorsmen” are billed as 1.1 per cent carbs, 3.5 per cent mid-strength.

I’ll bet all those Legendary Australian Outdoorsmen are turning in their shallow bush graves at the thought of a preservative-free low-carb mid-strength beer.

It’s impossible to fathom how much has changed in one generation. Beer is as Aussie as vegemite, kangaroos and sand up your clacker at the beach.

Beer is not just a drink. It’s a statement you make without having to say a word (useful after you’ve had a lot of beers).

It’s also a sign of regional identity. A schooner in SA is a middy in NSW and a schooner in NSW is a pint in SA. (an excuse as to why we get drunk more when we’re interstate).

Whether it was a frothy, coldie, tinnie, long neck, sixpack or slab you were after, drinking beer wasn’t that complicated, nor was it meant to be. But now it’s all about craft beers, which come in growlers, squealers or bombers — limited edition, of course. And there are ESBs – Extra Special Bitters, which are neither bitter nor all that special. There are West Coast IPAs, which are different from the English IPAs and Belgian IPA and so on. Throw in Belgian farmhouse beers and German weizens and it’s enough to make you crazy … and thirsty.

Whatever happened to beer that’s easy to drink so you can knock it back quickly?

Whatever happened to beers so average that you could wring out the bar mat into your mouth when you’d run out of money and you wouldn’t notice the difference?

All this talk makes me long for a big, cold beer.

You can get it any old how. Matter of fact, I got it now.