SH-T TOWNS A GIGGLE, OR WAS THAT GOOGLE?
SH-T TOWNS? I’ve lived in a few. I lived in one place in South Australia that was dug up because it was located on a coal mine. That improved it no end. Its claim to fame was being the place where there was “nothing to do” and “no one to see” in a John Schumann song.
Another town in Western Australia I lived in was once billed as the “wildest town in the west”. The only major tourist attraction was the road leading out of town*.
You can imagine how much fun I’ve been having on the Facebook page Sh-t Towns of Australia, which promises to keep us abreast of “all the best places not to visit or live”.
The page offers a wealth of turd towns. Every few days the editors trawl the news for reasons to elevate one place or another to “sh-t town” status.
From gastro outbreaks at Moreton Island to the dumping of kittens in Adelaide to the sale of Nazi memorabilia in Launceston, there’s a new stinker each week.
There’s also a sh-t town showdown looming, with “desert dump” Mount Isa battling it out against Queensland “megaboganopolis” Logan.
Many of the places I’ve called home over the years regularly make the weekly top-10 lists.
This is what they have to say about Tamworth, where I was born: “If you’re absolutely itching to hear a sh--ty cover of a Slim Dusty tune while munching a Phar Lap sandwich and getting a six-fingered handy, then Tamworth is your town”.
Broken Hill, the place where my parents met many years ago, is dismissed as a “mining-depleted toxic wasteland” with the motto “Our drinking town has a mining problem”.
You may not be surprised to find a post about Melbourne is going gangbusters on the site. Melbourne’s entry singles out “Phlemington” which it says is “home to a diverse array of deadsh-ts and deros” as well as the Melbourne Cup. The race, you can probably guess, is described as an “excuse to let suburbanites dress a bit fancy and watch a midget flog half a tonne of future dog roll while losing a week’s wages on a poorly constructed trifecta”.
Apologies for the non-PC description there.
Another post lists the top 10 things not to do in Melbourne, most of which I can’t print here.
The post attracted more than 3000 comments from people offering their own suggestions.
“Get stuck in traffic on a closed freeway at 4pm because a truck crashed earlier that morning at 3am,” says one.
“Drift apart from friends and family because you moved 7km to the other side of the city,” says another.
“The largest rent a crowd for climate change and vegan protests,” says a third.
Another brings up the “wheel of death” – the Melbourne Star – questioning who’d pay to “see a beautiful industrial wasteland reaaaalllyy slowwwly”.
Most of those people say they are long-term and proud residents of Melbourne and that is why I love these sorts of sites. They’re funny because most of what is said is true, even if we won’t admit it.
Melbournites love their city but also love to gripe about the weather, traffic, roadworks, urban sprawl, hipsters, the Myki system, politicians and the inability of many people to park within designated spots.
It’s no wonder there are other social media sites taking the mickey out of Melbourne. Check out Ugly Melbourne Houses on Insta by Frank Lloyd Wrong and Sh-t Brick Fences of Melbourne. Very funny.
As I’ve said before, I love Melbourne enough to live there. But it doesn’t stop us from seeing what could be better and having a laugh at the things that bug us.
But I have to admit my fave sh-t town is Port Pirie in South Australia. It’s described as a seaside smelter town possessing “all the charm of a soiled mannappy”.
Much of the town’s notoriety is due to Karen Davis, a well-endowed Pirie local who flashed her bare breasts on Google Earth street view. It was on her bucket list after meeting Sam Newman (that says it all). Karen says others in the town “hate me for my boobies” and still haven’t forgiven her five years later for bringing attention to the town via her K-cup assets. Hilarious.
But do you know the funniest thing about the Sh-t towns Facebook page? It’s operated by three people in New Zealand.
*With many apologies to the good folk of Leigh Creek, SA and Laverton, WA.