PUNGENT WHIFF OF WELLNESS
THERE’S something sick about the latest wellness trends. Who needs unsolicited health advice from healers, micro-influencers and coaches who aren’t experts in anything but self-promotion? Not me.
Armed with online diplomas and Instagram accounts, wellness bloggers want to inspire you, heal you and convince you to purch their merch.
Many are skinny young blondes who have ribs removed so they look better in their Insta bikini shots.
They’re got no health training, but they are in touch with their chakras, so they’ve got almost as many social media followers as Kim Kardashian.
One wellness trend that’s been in the media this week is perineum sunning. Try it right now, go on.
Strip off, bend over, hold your toes and turn your bottom to the sun.
Now breathe. It could give you a healthier libido, deeper sleep and better focus.
Or it could give you a reputation for being a naked crackpot and a night in jail for trying it public.
The perineum, according to one wellness blogger called Metaphysical Meagan, is the “gate of life and death” where the energy controls leakage of chi force from the body.
Sounds like mad Meagan has had a leakage of braincells.
It’s not surprising that researchers from the Glasgow University have discovered just one in nine wellness tips obtained on social media contains accurate and trustworthy health information.
I’ll bet you’re as shocked as I am that cow cuddling, crystal gazing and goat yoga aren’t backed up by rigorous scientific evidence.
Celebrities are often at the forefront of wellness trends. Take social media star Kim
Kardashian, who was recently pushing appetite-suppressant lollipops, which she called “literally unreal”. They turned out to be literally bulldust, and she deleted the sponsored post.
It reminds me of the jade eggs promoted by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website. When inserted into a lady’s nether regions, the solid stone egg is said to connect her chakra and yoni for “optimal self-love and wellbeing”. I’d be hoping it didn’t fall out in the middle of the supermarket.
Another wellness celebrity is chef Pete Evans who doubles as a self-styled health coach and natural-living guru. He doesn’t believe in sunscreen, is anti-vaccination and brushes his teeth with fossilised algae. Yummy! Evans, like many wellness gurus, doesn’t want us to be “brainwashed by science”. Rather, he wants us to be brainwashed by him.
What worries me is that bizarre and dangerous wellness trends are presented as credible and serious.
One wellness article notes that eating roundworm eggs as a weight-loss method potentially “could lead to death”. But it’s still included on a list of “top wellness trends” for weight loss.
Another alarming suggestion is baby mice wine, which is said to heal liver disease. Call me crazy, but surely drinking rice wine that’s had the bodies of baby mice fermented in it for 12 months would be lethal? It apparently tastes like gasoline but one wellness guru says it is “assumed to be safe to drink”. Who’d take the chance? You could end up dead, although the upside is that your liver would be in great shape.
Other wellness cures sound like huge money wasters, like wrapping yourself in clay from the eighth century Atlas Mountains or spending time in a cryotherapy chamber set at a bracing minus 80C.
Sound baths also sound like a rip-off. It’s claimed that vibrations from striking a metal bowl reduce stress. You could go on a four-day sound meditation retreat in Yorkshire, or stay home and hit a bowl with a spoon yourself and save $20,000.
Another suggestion is tracking your own EEG brainwaves to give yourself guided neurofeedback.
So is buying supercharged vitamins, which are supposed to provide clarity. The only clarity you’ll get is knowing you’ve paid big bucks for ingredients found in basic foods like fish and eggs.
Another costly wellness trend is floating in isolation tanks. It’s not necessary though. Drink lots of baby mice wine and do a lot of perineum sunning and you’ll find yourself isolated from your friends for free.