WHAT A LOAD OF SHEETS
THERE is no toilet paper shortage. Shelves are empty because 95 per cent of the country’s bog rolls are being hoarded by the 5 per cent of people lucky enough to get to the shops in time to fill three trolleys full of two-ply extra-soft.
They’re the bottomfeeders of the coronavirus.
Australians fancy themselves as hardy outback survivors, but we’re bulkbuying dunny paper at the first hint of having to survive inside the comfort of our own homes for a week or two.
We’re in the middle of a very bad flu outbreak, not a gastric epidemic requiring every person in Australia to use three rolls of dunny paper a day.
But who cares about facts when you’re down to your last few sheets?
How bizarre that when Prime Minister Scott Morrison told us to go about our “business in the normal way” this week, he was referring to us panic-loading on toot rolls, not infection rates or mass gatherings?
While the big spenders suffering a bad dose of poo paper-panic are struggling to get through the front door because of the 17 stacks of 48-roll blocks in their living rooms, everyone else is on rations.
In some houses, things are getting so dire that they’re thinking of going back to the old days when newsprint was cut up in squares and hung on a nail on the dunny door.
The NT News took this one step further this week, adding eight pages of newsprint to one edition, even marking out the squares.
It’s kind on the wallet and the planet but a little rough on the rear end.
People were told there wouldn’t be any shortages of toilet paper, but that hasn’t stopped them being worried about shortages, so they’ve bought up big, guaranteeing there are shortages.
According to one toilet paper maker, the biggest buyers are in Toorak, where you’d think people could afford to buy a new bottom if their existing one was dirty.
The idea of being caught short is sending people into a frenzy of doomsday prepping and lawlessness.
Hashtag #toilet paper is trending on Twitter and toilet paper sales are going gangbusters online. Packs that would have sold for $10 last week are now going for $100 or more.
Officials at eBay were forced to step in and stop bidding on a $100,000 bulkorder of 48 rolls. Can you imagine? Standard postage was just $8.95, but the paper was $2000 a roll.
Some wag even posted one sheet “as new” for $500.
There are scenes of chaos around the country, mostly involving middle-aged men in hiking shorts, singlets and velcro sandals fighting over the last family-sized packs of Sorbent on the shelves. Some even threw punches. The lawlessness of the velcro vigilantes knows no bounds. Don’t come between them and a 24-pack of Kleenex.
One frustrated wannabe paper hoarder pulled a knife at one supermarket in Sydney, and another man had to be tasered by police in the sanitary supplies aisle.
The 50-year old man ended the day with two counts of common assault and resisting an officer in execution of duty. Even worse, he went home emptyhanded, without any toilet paper to show for his efforts.
I must admit I’ve been getting a bit nervous myself. I refuse to get up at 3am to panic-buy a year’s supply of extra-thick multiply, so loo rolls in the O’Brien house are running a little low …
It’s not helped by our new puppy, who ate two rolls of Quilton three-ply for dinner last night. So far, I have resisted the urge to make my kids scrape the larger shredded pieces from the bathroom floor and reuse them.
Luckily, my friends saw the photos on Facebook and felt my pain. They came to the rescue and left a 32-roll block on my front doorstep.
That’s more than 5000 sheets of strong, absorbent softness. Ahhh, bliss. Better than diamonds.
There’s no doubt the Great Toilet Paper Apocalypse of 2020 will not go down as one of our great moments. Oh well, at least we’re not as dumb as the Americans who think Corona beer is to blame for the virus.