SUSIE O’BRIEN

that comes with a bonus matching jockstrap.

I will steer clear of NYC designer Undra Celeste, who has just “unveiled a mask in a dark floral print with a pearlescent sheen, lending to an elevated option poised to complement crisp ensembles”.

I am in lockdown, I haven’t

worn anything without stains since March, let alone a crisp ensemble.

I don’t want my mask to make a fashion statement, match my coat or complement my eye makeup. Contrary to some accounts, masks are not the “hottest accessory of 2020”. They’re a medical necessity to save lives.

The Vampire’s Wife website sells 100 per cent silk masks trimmed with ruffles. I’ll give this a miss too; it will make me look like I’ve got a pair of frilly knickers on my head.

It’s up to you. If you want your mask to express your personality, go ahead and sport a facial covering that turns you into Donald Trump, Hannibal Lecter or Joe Exotic from the nose down.

However, I am a bit worried about Prof Bruce Thompson

from Swinburne Uni, who is running with the underwear theme. He wants us to “assume your mask is like underwear”.

“So don’t take it off in the middle of public. Don’t fiddle with it in the middle of public, don’t share them with somebody else,” he said.

“You wouldn’t wear the same pair of dirty underwear all week, so you shouldn’t wear the same unwashed mask all week.”

Eww. Funnily enough, that interview didn’t make Prof Thompson’s list of official media appearances alongside his learned research in The European Respiratory Journal and other august publications.

I am also slightly alarmed about the DIY aspect of maskmaking. The willingness of Victorian health officials to