THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

WE’RE ALL TAUGHT A ‘WAY OF LIFE’ WHEN GROWING UP, BUT EXPECTING OTHERS TO FIT INTO YOURS CAN BE MORE COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE THAN IT’S WORTH

I’m recognising more and more that humans are multifaceted and complex, which makes human behaviour seem confusing and counter-productive at times. This can cause us to sabotage the very things we want in life.

Let me explain my thinking behind that. Early on in life, influenced by those around us, we learn that there is a certain way to do things in our family group, whatever family is for us at the time.

It may be the way we communicate, eat, dress, behave, make decisions, manage conflict or go about our life in general but there is an underlying expectation that we conform to “the way we do things around here”.

That way may be totally unlike any other family group and may not even be a psychologically or physically healthy approach but it is, nonetheless, one that we take on through observation and copying what we see.

If we don’t align to what is demonstrated or attempt to step outside what is acceptable, we are quickly corrected, maybe harshly learning not to do that again unless we want the same consequences.

We start to pick up on the cues defining rules and their boundaries even though we’re not necessarily told what they are.

Then, depending on our nature, we may either become compliant and stay within the boundaries or push back to test them.

Early learning, often described as imprinting or programming, runs deep and even though we move on from our family physically sooner or later, we are rarely entirely free of the experience and consequences of how we were raised.

Without even being aware, due to the nature of our programming, we may impose the same or similar rules in our lives setting up subconscious expectations of how others engage with us, even though those rules didn’t necessarily work well for us.

So, on the one hand we have an intrinsic set of rules of engagement for how others should interact with us and clear expectations of how they should be adhered to.

On the other we haven’t told anyone else what those rules and expectations are. Our primary expectation is that everyone understands and aligns to our rules i.e. does what we want, in the way we want it and when we want it without being told what they are.

The part that isn’t clear is that underneath each of our rules sits an unexpressed need we have.

The rules of engagement are intended to get our needs met however, they can result in the opposite happening.

A simple example. Unexpressed need; Love, connection and understanding from those around me without judgment.

Unwritten, unspoken rules of engagement to get that need met: You have to love me in a certain way or be a certain type of person, behaving in a certain way.

I want connection to a certain point but don’t come too close or get too deep and meaningful with me. I want you to understand me but don’t challenge me or my view of the world.

Instead of clearly expressing our needs to those that should be made aware and allowing each person to meet those needs in their own way, we hide them or dilute the needs.

We then put various obstacles and conditions in the way to make it almost impossible for anyone to get break through.

A bit like the tests of valour in the Middle Ages, one quest is achieved only to be replaced by another.

When no-one manages to survive the quest and break through the boundaries, we get disappointed that our needs are not met and may believe others don’t understand or aren’t making an effort to reach us.

How contrary and counter-productive is that?

It really doesn’t’ need to be that complicated or covert so why do it?

Possibly because we carry residual emotional hurt from previous experiences of, for example, love, connection and understanding and don’t want to feel that again.

The key thing though is that those who love us want to make sure that our (reasonable) needs are met.

So how about we recognise our vulnerability and then, step by step, make it as simple as possible for them to do that, in their own way and see what comes.