MEL BUTTLE
“Hobart, you dress like you’re going on a hike at all times”
Ispent a lot of primary school colouring in maps of Australia, most of Year 3 seemed to be labelling where the capital cities are. I never stopped to think who lives in orange Western Australia, or over there in green South Australia, well now I have.
● Sydney, your city is beautiful and expensive, you jog everywhere all the time, and how are your teeth so white and straight? Does the Bondi council post out Invisalign to all residents? Sydneysiders flood Instagram with two things, the sunrise at the end of your beach run, or a Boomerang of you doing a cheers on a boat. All the girls are in floppy hats and the blokes look like NRL players, tatted and tanned in those pineapple shorts with a white linen shirt. I know this isn’t all of you, some of you are pickling things, wearing glasses you don’t need, hanging around cafes on your laptops being creative.
● Hobart, you dress like you’re going on a hike at all times, how many puffer vests and Kathmandu shoes can one person own? I know we’re all just mainlanders to you, you’re a fairytale world down there with your lush green hills, fresh air, deep blue seas and all of this, of course, contributes to your favourite topic, produce. Speaking to someone from Hobart is like a presentation from a waiter, “here we have some local scallops from Freycinet, and I’ve paired those with a Launceston apple and speck puree”. Wow Aunty Denise, it’s Tuesday night, colour me impressed.
● Melbourne, do you own anything other than black and grey clothes? Also, how do you know where all the trams go? What’s the difference between the 86 and the 96? Melbourne is divided in half, south doesn’t go north and northsiders won’t go south. Eyes glaze over if you say you’re staying in Northcote to someone from Brighton. Yes, AFL is very interesting and important to you, we get it.
● Brisbane people are able to ignore the sweat running down their back and legs for three months of every year, sure you can drive up to Noosa in a flash and Byron is just down the road, but late dining in your town ends at 9pm. Also, Brisbane people all have two dogs, it’s a thing, I don’t know why.
● Darwin, well, you’re like Australia’s Texas up there. In Darwin, I once saw a guy not allowed into a pub because he had no shoes on. He went and found a spare thong on the street and then reattempted and successfully gained entry, in one thong. What a town.
● Perth, if anyone was going to secede from the rest of us, it’d be you. You call anywhere else “over east”. You don’t need us, we need your wineries and resources. You’ve got Chicken Treat, which is your very own Red Rooster, Dome which is your Coffee Club, you’re all set to break away and thrive.
● Adelaide, you’re so great because you descended from free settlers, ooh la la, what a claim to fame to hold onto all these years later. No, definitely keep bringing it up. Yes you’ve got the fringe festival, we know, you do love to bring it up, and yes, your wineries are brilliant and yes, you’re all Maggie Beer’s secondbest friend we get it, you’re special. I think I’m jealous of Adelaide.
● Canberra, home of the smarty pants, and a whole lot of people who can’t be too specific about what they do, “I’m a public servant in IT”. “What projects are you working on?” “I’m working on government projects relating to IT.” Got it, wink, wink, let’s keep our voices down and I won’t tell anyone.