MEL BUTTLE
“You aren’t enough, unless you’re Adele doing a few numbers by the pool after lunch”
It feels right to release my Christmas survival guide but before I get into the nitty gritty, I have one broad piece of advice for you all. Do me this favour, please eat something for breakfast and don’t start drinking until at least 11am. This also applies to schoolies week and your hen’s or buck’s night. You’re welcome. Shopping: Based on my past gifting failures, I can say that it’s now too late to get that artisan gift that was handmade in a workshop somewhere by a couple who cook their dinner on a fire and have a kelpie.
So you’ll have to move on from that idea, and no, don’t order it online and say you’ve got them something great, and it should arrive early January. A gift on the day is king. I know, otherwise you’re not going to be being able to say as they unwrap it, “it’s all organic, I follow them on Instagram, they donate 10 per cent of their profits to help dingoes”.
At this stage, you now have two options for gifts, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you will have to go to the shops, or you will have to commit to a homemade gift.
On the topic of homemade gifts, I once thought I’d save money and make everyone homemade barbecue sauce.
Did you know that jars, with absolutely nothing in them, can still cost $3 each? That adds up. This was a nightmare project and the reaction from receivers wasn’t worth the sterilisation of jars and trying to locate whatever light molasses is.
Who do you have to get gifts for? That’s complex, I’d say anyone who’s expecting one, immediate family and people you want to do kissing with.
A scratchie or a lotto ticket in a card isn’t an acceptable present, that’s a card with garnish. Food: If you’re attending an offsite Christmas, bring something. Yes, even when the host says “don’t bring a thing, just yourself”.
Don’t fall for this trap, bring some good wine, a case of beer, flowers for the host, or a food item that does not require the fridge.
You aren’t enough, unless you’re Adele doing a few numbers by the pool after lunch, bring something.
You don’t want to be only one who has arrived empty-handed. I’m no etiquette expert, but at least put something in the car just in case.
If you’re hosting Christmas, hats off to you, I hope you’re a seasoned campaigner as this is a big day. I never make anything for Christmas that I haven’t made before. Have a few dry runs under the guise of dinner parties if you need to, get your flying hours up with turkey and any fiddly desserts. Christmas Eve: There are one of two ways you can go here, maybe a small dinner at home, perhaps for people you won’t get to, or don’t wish to see tomorrow. When your guests leave, pop on your Christmas pyjamas, watch Home Alone and eat Cheezels.
Or venture out, bank on bars not being busy, and have the night of your life with others like you who aren’t afraid to turn up to Christmas hungover.
Yes, you’ll be a tired grump tomorrow but some aunty will usher you into a room so you can “have a nap to perk up love”.
Good luck out there everyone.