“I think a little half flush with the lid down … is a nice option”

Staying at someone else’s house is different as an adult, you can’t just jump up and down when you arrive and say, “Can I go in the spa, Mr Flynn?” Remember as a kid, the adults would brush you off with a vague statement like, “Once we’ve settled in for a bit”.

Though deep down nothing has changed really, I did want to get in the spa the minute I arrived at the Flynns’ home this week. Instead, as a grown up, you have to get what you want through subtle conversation rather than saying, “but it has been five minutes!” to the nearest adult.

Here are some questions I casually threw at Mark the dad, and my host for the next week: “Have you used the spa since you’ve moved in?” Mark replied, “We sure have, I love a beer in there on a Friday night.”

It was only Thursday. I pushed on anyway, “How big is it?” I countered, to show my keen interest in the topic of the spa. “It’s a good size, and there’s a bar attached to it,” Mark mentioned proudly.

I’m 40, not four so I held myself back from immediately running to get my togs on. “Sounds wonderful, Mark, I’d love to see it,” I say, this is me being as assertive as I possibly can. “You’d love it,” Mark said, then as happens in conversations with large groups, the topic changed to why the woman at the local fish and chip shop is so grumpy.

My favourite bit of staying at someone’s house is the tour. Shortly after you arrive, the following sentence will be uttered: “Did you want to do the tour now or after a cuppa?”

I always choose to do the tour straight away, that way you’ll have some talking points to bring up. If the conversation dries up over the cuppa, you can circle back to, “Where did you get that diffuser in the bathroom from, Tracey?”

Your brain has to learn a house layout when you’re a guest, with the kitchen perhaps being one of the hardest to master. People put glasses in all sorts of places. It’s a wee bit embarrassing flapping around, opening every kitchen cupboard, trying to find a glass in front of your hosts who give instructions, like, “Up higher, no left, no, the other way.” Did you know some people keep glasses in a drawer near the oven? Shocking stuff. Glasses go in the cupboard nearest to the fridge, you’d think that’d be taught in schools.

Also, your brain has to learn to find its way to your allocated bathroom in the dark. It’s not like at home where you can make your way down the hall with your eyes mostly closed, still somewhat in your dream. You’re in a new house, you’ll need to open your eyes, exit your dream fully, and try to guess if they’re a flush or no flush overnight family. I think a little half flush with the lid down and door closed is a nice option here.

Another course of action to work your way to the top of your host’s Christmas card list is to buy your hosts a meal, or two, depending on how long you’re staying. Also, this has more of an impact if you don’t tell them upfront at the restaurant that you’re going to buy them the dinner, just sneak off and pay at the end. It’s a classy move and you get to feel like James Bond, walking away from a restaurant and not looking back.

When the penny drops, and they realise you’ve bought them dinner, I like to say, “They gave it to us for free because they said they’ve never had supermodels eat here before.” You can use that if you like.

I also like to always turn up with a gift, it can just be something small that acknowledges that you’ll be drinking their milk, eating their Cheezels, and hopefully using their electricity to fire up the spa, even though it’s Thursday night.