PHIL BROWN

Ihave been wearing glasses since I was 10 because I’m blind as a bat. I remember when it was decided I would become a four-eyes. We were on a family outing in the car in Hong Kong in the late 1960s and we were reading number plates. When it came to my turn I couldn’t do it.

So I was packed off to the optometrist and my bespectacled life began. And I don’t mind. I like wearing glasses. They make me look intelligent. Don’t they? Which is why I never opted for contact lenses.

When we moved back to Australia, though, my specs caused problems. At Miami State High School on the Gold Coast you were suspect if you wore them.

I remember the first time I went on a date, with a girl called Rhonda. I think that was her name. We went to the Mermaid Cinema and she brought a friend for back up.

A couple of my mates were sitting behind us to monitor the situation. I had my glasses in my top pocket feeling a bit self-conscious about them but when the movie started I had to put them on to see the screen clearly.

As I did so, I recall that Rhonda – I’m sure it was Rhonda – looked sideways at me and then said to her friend in a voice louder than appropriate … “Oh no, he wears glasses!” That was a real confidence booster.

We got through the movie and went for a walk on the beach and then she ran away. It was my glasses. I might as well have been

The Elephant Man. When I got into senior I got a pair of those specs that turn into sunnies in full sunlight but are like regular glasses the rest of the time. So at break and lunch I was known as Mr Shades. What’s that old song line? “The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.”

Being a shortsighted surfer wasn’t much fun either and my mates at Broadbeach were alway tricking me out in the line-up telling me that there was a shark nearby. Back on the beach they’d say some girl was waving at me.

The first time this happened I fell for it but when I approached the young lady her boyfriend said, “So what the f--k do you want?” Très embarrassant.