Give extra hug or two
TALK to your kids. All the time. Over and over. I’ve travelled the country talking to teenagers for years now about online safety and their experiences. About how anti-social behaviour online can have real world consequences.
There’s nothing more ‘real world’ right now than the consequence of six young Australians who got into a car that crashed into a tree in Buxton in Sydney’s west.
Our young are so vulnerable in so many ways and we need to do whatever we can to protect them as we endeavour to raise them and prepare them for a healthy and content adult life.
I ask young people all the time “what can your parents do better to help you right now?”.
I can almost predict their response because it’s virtually always the same answer. They tell me they wish they could talk to their parents more about their worries and feel like their concerns are valid.
A request that might sound silly to an adult is one that’s not silly to them. Even those with the ability to communicate freely with their parents almost certainly will have been exposed to social media, television or movies where the typical and inevitable parental/ teenager conflicts have been dramatised and stereotyped under the guise of contemporary young adult entertainment.
Kids add that even if their parents can’t understand why something hurts so much or how it can impact them in such a severe way, it’s crucially important that parents are able to acknowledge that their children are experiencing a very real and legitimate hurt.
To show empathy even if they haven’t gone through it themselves.
The more open our communication channels with our kids the better chance we have of keeping them safe.
The more comfortable they feel telling us about the things that worry them the more we can do to help.
It’s so hard because often what they face is so different from what we faced as kids, in terms of technology and social media, but the themes can be so familiar if you really break them down.
Were any of those beautiful young souls we lost this week worried about getting into that car? Were they nervous but unsure who to tell or how to say no?
I remember being in situations as a teenager when I knew that I was making decisions that could have ended badly … but I didn’t know how to speak up or how to reach out to mum and dad for help.
I didn’t want to get into trouble and I certainly didn’t want my friends to think I was scared or uncool, so it was easier to go along with the group than to speak up or say no.
We’ve all been there. How do we help our kids better find their voice?
The teens I speak to say they would divulge so much more if they felt like their parents would understand and not judge. It’s a hard balance to get right. Parents are obliged to hold their kids to account too, to discipline – judgement calls don’t get harder than this.
I’ve noted over past weeks significant media coverage of reported toxic culture at Sydney high schools, including anti-semitic, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour. Deplorable conduct that rightly deserves condemnation.
What struck me in the coverage was the revelation that there are mental health professionals who coach parents on how to have clear and open channels of communication with their children.
Is it the case now that to be an effective parent you not only need to love unconditionally and listen wholeheartedly but also engage the services of a professional expert?
As a mum, I think it’s great that this specialisation exists but until it’s as common and convenient to access as your local pharmacy many may be unable to benefit from this expertise.
We can’t prevent every tragedy but, as the mother of a four-year-old, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to try to protect her — and I have no doubt every parent reading this feels the same.
My heart breaks for all of those mourning the loss of their babies this week. I only hope it starts some conversations that might prevent others from going through the same.