MEL BUTTLE

“I have a few little routines I complete nightly that I think deter criminals

I’ve had two thrilling brushes with crime this year, on the receiving end though, not as a perpetrator. The last time I felt the rush of some wrongdoing, I was leaving a department store with a glitter bouncy ball in my pocket, however I lost my nerve and returned the loot the very next day. I think it’s safe to assume the statute of limitations has run its course on this brazen offence.

We had a late-night visitor try to open our front gates. I’d like to go on record and say here, to all would-be thieves, I have very few things worth stealing, my most valuable possession is my signed copy of Maggie Beer’s Recipes For Life and my iphone would be worth a pittance, as the screen currently looks like a freshly smashed creme brulee. Moreover, I don’t know how much demand there is for my taste in art, I don’t think there’d be much of a market for framed drawings of a mixed breed dog who’s missing a back toe.

I’ve realised I have a few little routines I complete nightly that I think deters criminals by tricking the potential burglars. I don’t think I’m the only one leaving lights on in different rooms when I go out at night am I? To misquote Clint Eastwood, “You’ve got to ask yourself, are they home, or are they just willing to have a huge power bill?” I go out for dinner safe in the knowledge that no one would dare try and break in because

I’ve cleverly left more than three lights on.

I imagine the intruder standing on my front footpath, thinking to themselves, “What kind of eccentric maniac would burn through fossil fuels at that rate if they weren’t home to enjoy that beautiful, ambient lighting? They must be in there for sure, I’d better choose another house to rob.”

For good measure, I even leave the telly on to add to the charade that someone is home and for some reason they’re watching martial arts training videos at full volume – you can never be too careful these days.

I’ve even prepared for the outcome that someone pushes past my highly discouraging light-based deterrent and does enter the house. Laptops and car keys are of course hidden. The keys are cleverly concealed under bills and used envelopes in a drawer, and not the top drawer either, you’d have to be pretty

determined to steal the car, by persisting past the bountyless top drawer, and venturing all the way down to the second drawer. You will need to rummage though, I’m not going to make it easy for you, dear burglar.

Same with my laptop, which by the way only works when the charger is plugged into it, and won’t play sound out-loud, you will need to steal my headphones to watch movies on it. That’s if you can find it, I’ve cleverly hidden it out of view in one of my top two hiding spots, under a blanket on the couch or on a dining room chair with mail on top of it.

No, sorry I am not available to consult for the federal police just at the minute. Also, I can’t even find my headphones, so good luck to anyone having a crack in the dark, while my mixed-breed dog with a back toe missing is licking you and bashing her head into your shins wanting to be friends. That would slow any would-be thief right down, surely?