FALLING FOR A WIDO
Understanding and respect are essential for this love to grow
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
While there’s no time limit to grief, psychologist Annie Gurton says if it’s too soon, your new romantic interest risks being overcome by feelings of guilt.
Clues to look for are if he has already been dating and talks about wanting to find love again. But if it’s only been a few weeks or months, you may encounter resentment and concern from his family and friends, as well as raw grief from him.
“Friends and family can sometimes feel that he’s not ready for love, or that she was so special no one else can replace her,” says Annie. “Even when they’re supportive and happy to see him in a loving relationship again, there will always be a part of his life that didn’t include you.”
While you must acknowledge her role as the first wife, make it clear you’re not trying to replace her or erase her memory. You are your own person, and over time, should be accepted as a valuable, loving partner in your own right, not a replacement.
WATCH FOR RED FLAGS
While you can’t prevent him from thinking about her, if you feel his late wife still has a real presence in his heart, be careful. If your widower is letting his late wife come between the two of you, it might be best for you to move on.
“Worrying signs include not wanting to introduce you to his family and friends, and not expressing his feelings to you,” explains Annie.
To be sure there’s room in his heart for you, listen to his words and observe his actions. If he’s ready and well-adjusted, he will make you his future and therefore a priority, and resist living in the past.
RESPECT HIS HISTORY
As your relationship grows, accepting that another woman will always be in his memories can be difficult. But it’s important to respect his past and the connection his adult children, family and friends still have to her, as well.
“They will never forget her, and you shouldn’t want them to, but that doesn’t mean she has to be discussed daily or her mementos and photos adorn every wall in the house,” says Annie.
With sensitivity and tact, it’s possible to find ways to talk about her that make you both feel safe and comfortable.
“Every so often, ask about how she would have handled special events, such as family birthdays and Christmas,” says Annie.
“You don’t want to become her ghost and
do everything the way she did, but showing some interest keeps his past from being a forbidden subject.”
It can be also helpful to reach an agreement on how you’ll both manage significant dates.
“Know that the worst time for him is probably the anniversary of her death, but Christmas, birthdays and holidays can be equally difficult,” Annie says.
“Give him and the family space at those times, and offer your condolences, but also think of ways to build your own new memories and occasions together.”