Domestic abuse: The case of married women – Part 1
Please take a moment to reflect on women who are no lesser beings than you and I, but whose marriages are a perennial nightmare. Forced to stare at the ginormous hollow gloom of despair each day. Women who incessantly contend with anxious moments in the dead of the night, tormented by the following questions. Is he coming back home tonight? If so, what time? And what would his frame of mind be? Is he likely to slap, punch or kick me? Is he going to drag my dignity in the mud by forcibly violating me?
“Run like a dog.” “Eat like a dog.” These are statements that were uttered by two men to their wives. The first man used a rope to tie his wife to the rear of his bakkie, occupied the driver’s seat, switched on the engine and drove off, all the time screaming at his wife to run like a dog. His wife had to run behind the vehicle to avoid sustaining injuries that could have resulted from being dragged on the ground.
The second man was incensed when his wife inadvertently dropped a cupcake on the floor. He stood up, violently grabbed her by the neck, forcefully pushed her to kneel down and instructed her to eat the cupcake like a dog. Incidentally, despite the fact that of all domestic animals, it is only the dog that has always been considered man’s best friend, arrogant and abusive men often use the word dog to convey the highest degree of contempt and disdain on their wives.
Ever so often, it is important to step out of our comfort zone and discuss subjects that are normally addressed in hushed tones. Abuse is one of those. And this is one of those areas in life where for most people it is a lot harder to demonstrate empathy than sympathy.
The three articles on domestic abuse will address the following questions. What kind of women are vulnerable to abuse? Can a woman easily spot an abuser prior to marriage? How can abused women contend with their ordeal? And how we can all pitch in to fight the worldwide scourge of domestic abuse? The first of this three-article series will deal with how easy it is for women, even for the most confident and brightest of daffodils to fall victim to domestic abuse.
Although some men are known to have been abused by their wives in the past, this article assumes that abusers are men. However, the principles captured herein apply equally to all abusers irrespective of their gender.
Over the years, domestic abuse has evolved into a global curse. Perhaps, this is what prompted the former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull to say the following words a few years ago, “Disrespecting women does not always result in violence against women, but all violence against women begins with disrespecting women.”
How so true! This begs the question, since for many women, the process leading into marriage takes them through a period of courtship, which should, at least in theory, enable them to objectively assess whether a potential mate is marriageable material or not, how do some of them land in abusive relationships?
The truth is, the poor women do not enter into such relationships with their eyes open. They are mostly victims of deception. Consider how some of them, prior to walking that aisle, unflinchingly used one-word facade-like adjectives to describe these brutal men. Charmer.
Sweet. Charismatic. Caring. Generous. Respectable. Abusive men know that these attributes would normally lull potential mates into a false sense of security, hoodwinked into believing that they have scored big in attracting a paragon of virtue.
Mind blowing charm offensive coupled with a split personality have always been a twopronged arsenal that abusers have used against unsuspecting womenfolk with resounding success.
Violation of women by men fitting the foregoing descriptive adjectives is not a new thing. In relating a true story, one ancient book talks about a young man who violated a young woman. And it describes the young man in these glowing words, “He was the most respected of all his father’s household.”
The fact is, from time immemorial, perpetrators of abuse have never walked around with a mark on their foreheads that read, “I am a proud abuser of women.” Abusive men are normally very good and ever so keen at exploiting the gullibility of women to the highest possible degree. And they are also quite good at covering their skunky tracks.
So when with a profound sense of unguarded excitement women unreservedly scream ‘yes, yes, yes’ to proposals from such men, all sucked up in a whirling vortex swelling with positive emotion, they wouldn’t have the slightest inkling that they are signing up for a nightmare of a marriage. There will be no sign at all that what seems like a decidedly decent gentleman would end up curdling into a brutish savage with a warped sense of right and wrong.
What’s the message? That the abuser could easily be someone pretty close to you. Someone who would at some stage be posthumously eulogised by family and friends as customary at funeral services. Extolled as a gentleman who would never hurt a fly. Or a man who would never ever say nxa to anyone. So much for hypocrisy! If you are over 40, and have never ever said nxa inwardly or outwardly, and you are a Motswana through and through, I would personally take the liberty of inducting you into the chimeric Hall of Saints.
Not to petrify you, or to sound overly paranoid, the unwelcome truth is, the abuser could be your father, your brother, your son, your uncle, your cousin, your friend and even your ever supportive next door neighbour who is always walking hand in glove with his wife, showering her with endless expressions of affection. Yes, the abuser could be that seemingly sweet work colleague or that friendly fellow director of the board. Spine-tingling stuff hey!
So when you are busy looking for signs of abuse from strangers, you may be looking too far. Unbeknown to you, you may actually be in the habit of ingurgitating delectable meals with an abuser known to religiously call his wife sweetheart.
Oh yes, it is a sick world! And with each passing day, it seems to be sinking deeper and deeper into the quagmire of this horrendous sickness. Sadly, this sickness is endemic across various cultures, creeds, races and social groups. The unfortunate thing is, to the many people outside the abusers’ immediate families, some of the men suffering from this debilitating sickness are completely ‘asymptomatic.’
This brings us to this important question. What kind of women are more susceptible to abuse? Do they have a lower IQ? A few of them are perched right at the apex of the corporate world. Serving as corporate mandarins and wielding massive clout and power over a good number of men.
Yes, some of them ooze with confidence to the gazillionth degree. But most of them are regular respectable ladies. Like your mother, your sister, your daughter, your aunt, your cousin, your friend and your sweet next door neighbour. What’s the message? Anyone of these folks in your life might be going through a harrowing experience of domestic abuse and you would be none the wiser.
Yes, anyone of them could have been tricked. The fact is, abused women don’t walk around with a chimney protruding from their heads spewing out the words, “Help! Help! My husband abuses me!”
Most women go to bed each night without a single ounce of anxiety. They don’t toss and turn in their sleep. They would open their eyes in the morning when their circadian rhythm nudges them to do so. Not so with abused women. Please take a moment to reflect on women who are no lesser beings than you and I, but whose marriages are a perennial nightmare. Forced to stare at the ginormous hollow gloom of despair each day. Women who incessantly contend with anxious moments in the dead of the night, tormented by the following questions. Is he coming back home tonight? If so, what time? And what would his frame of mind be? Is he likely to slap, punch or kick me? Is he going to drag my dignity in the mud by forcibly violating me? No doubt you appreciate that for these women, for whom tossing and turning in sleep is only second nature, brutally forced to nurse physical and emotional scars by men who are supposed to love them unconditionally, life is overflowing with misery and a disproportionate share of daily ordeals.
Can you easily spot an abuser? Are there signs that could reveal that a man might end up being abusive? Yes there are signs. The irony though is that these signs also happen to be qualities that women are dying to see in potential lifelong mates. What are some of these signs? What are the red flags which would invariably camouflage themselves into ‘superlative’ qualities?
Of course we can’t exhaust them, but here are a couple of the most common ones. One; a man who cares so much about you such that he is always checking on you every other hour and asking you how you are, and where you are. Sounds familiar! The quintessence of love! A Godsent bashert! The ultimate standard of suaveness! Just hold your horses! This could be a red flag for a possessive, controlling and domineering disposition. A stalker par excellence!
Two; a man could be demanding to spend a lot of time with a potential mate showering her with loads and loads of attention. Could it be that he is deceiving her!
Psychologically conditioning her to believe that he is doing all that in the name of heartfelt affection!
This could be a red flag for an extremely manipulative husband bent on psychologically terrorising his wife at the first available opportunity. Of course there are exceptions. Some men are genuinely sweet. The challenge is distinguishing the truly sweet ones from the bittersweet. This underscores the importance of being extremely careful in choosing a potential mate.
Please, don’t be in a rush to call me cynical. Believe you me, some abused women were quite happy to get married to charming men without knowing this would end up throwing them into a very deep minefield of abuse. Now they are saddled with the unenviable position of having to stare at the infinite blackhole of despair every day. Next week’s article will deal with how some women normally respond to domestic abuse.