Beware of FWB relationships

This is one delicate subject where it is almost impossible to be objective without running the risk of being unfairly adjudged old-fashioned and puritanical. The rules of intimacy, or, to be more precise, sexual intercourse, have always evolved throughout the centuries, and each generation tends to boast of a more liberal, genuinely inclusive and non-judgmental culture. Over the years, this has fed to existentialism and the notion of FWB, a sexual revolution that has gained traction throughout the globe. FWB stands for ‘Friends with Benefits.’ This involves the practice of a no strings attached carnal knowledge of another human being, motivated by pre-defined benefits to the parties involved in the act.

The focus of this article is not on teenage-to-teenage FWB relationships which are normally driven by the desire to explore self-indulgent amatory antics, but on abusive relationships where one of the parties is in a privileged position of power and fully exploits it to take unfair advantage of an immature, naïve or vulnerable soul. In some cases, the powerful individual is viperously condescending. The vulnerable party would often get involved in this type of relationship blinded, not by heartfelt love, but by fixation on tangible perks that form part of the package.

Much as some people would argue that love at first sight is a true and living thing, what they often fail to discern is the fine line between love and infatuation. In the normal ‘unfast-tracked’ order of events, deep romantic love is always preceded by some form of friendship, not the other way round. FWBs flip this normal order of events because commitment to lust heavily outweigh the desire for a symmetrical relationship, where both parties would feel wanted, needed, appreciated and loved.

A few examples of FWBs are in order. One, the repulsive culture of sex for grades in some institutions of higher learning. The dignity of targeted female students has been violated by lecturers whose untamable libido outweighs their sense of morality and ethics. It has been documented that, students who have persistently refused to quench the lascivious thirst of their depraved lecturers have been persecuted with low grades despite submitting passing-grade material. This is demeaning, not only to students who have their skin in the game, but also to others who work hard to legitimately earn their academic qualifications.

Two, sex to maintain a certain standard of living. Victims of FWBs often set their eyes on the potential ‘upside’ of such relationships. A hypothetical example would be where a college student, or someone who has just started plotting their professional career curve, is tempted with an irresistible monthly allowance, a reliable car and a decent abode. Forced by the unwillingness to wait for a ship that never comes in, this might just be what a vulnerable woman needs to boost her self-confidence and portray a semblance of success. Faced with this ‘positive’ flip in the quality of their life, a few would fall for this temptation even if it means enduring sexual intercourse with an older married man they do not love.

Three, sex to clinch a promotion and boost one’s ascension on that important career curve. Unprincipled men have coaxed women to grant them sexual favours, oftentimes ruthlessly targeting driven and competent ‘forces of nature,’ promising them a glorious and rewarding career path. Frustrated by the potential unfairly locked by selfish men, some women have unfortunately buckled under pressure. Sadly, this practice undermines and humiliates women who have condignly risen to the occasion and deservedly scooped senior positions of authority.

Of course, FWBs are wrong on several levels! This applies to all of them, even those that are preceded by the so-called heartfelt DTR (define the relationship) talks. Such talks set boundaries of relationships and are meant to, at worst limit, and at best eliminate, potential for illegitimate and unfulfilled expectations. Are FWBs sustainable? Not always. Why? Because, by their very nature, such relationships are fraught with an element of investment. Over and above investing their physical being for which a price tag cannot be attached, the vulnerable party is often tempted to invest their emotions and such investment gives rise to expectation of a healthy return. Typically, in the form of a sustainable relationship that would not be terminated at the whim of the powerful party. To be direct, in the sub-consciousness of some women, who fall for FWBs, lies the unconfessed desire to use such relationships as steppingstones towards more fulfilling and committed relationships.

This breeds the question, what right do women whose entry into a man’s heart is through a backdoor have to relationships blessed with true love and longevity? Once entry is not through the front door, women should be mindful of the need to keep three things at bay. One, expectation of genuine romantic relationships. Remember, rules of engagement are predetermined, and without the consent of the other contracting party, no party reserves the right to overturn some or all of them with a view to formulating new self-serving ones.

Two, jealousy. This is particularly important where, as it is always the case with FWBs, there is no commitment to an exclusive relationship. No party has the right to pursue the elephantine rage route when they see their ‘partner’ getting intimate with other people. Three, full commitment of one’s emotions to the relationship. Oftentimes, the powerful party would have at least one relationship with another person of the same or different gender and would not entertain feelings of jealousy from the vulnerable party.

The truth is, once a relationship involves sexual intercourse, it is not easy to keep one’s emotions distant, and in almost all the cases, the magnitude of the emotional investment by the two parties is not aligned. Much as the two parties might have attempted to compartmentalise their relationship to fit their desired goals during their DTR talk, the parties often realise rather late in the day that such compartments are not cast in stone and are prone to flaccidity. Never underestimate the power of something as intangible as emotions! Riddled by unhealing emotional wounds, it doesn’t take much for all the pre-agreed terms of FWB relationships to ring hollow in the mind of vulnerable parties who may only be too keen to declare that they did not walk into such relationships with their eyes open.

Once you drill down to the details of FWBs, you will discern that all the benefits of faustian bargaining associated with the blurred prism of such relationships are short term in nature. Probably, we need to come to terms with the fact that, unlike wild beasts, man was not created to thrive in asymmetrical relationships riddled with casual sexual intercourse involving uncommitted multiple partners. That is the turf of beasts, not humans whom one hallowed book states, they are, “made a little lower than angels.” Beware of FWB relationships!