“I wanted to kill my father”
Woman recounts traumas from childhood abuse Uses her experiences to help change lives
It would be understandably difficult for anyone to believe that the petite and radiantly gorgeous Godiraone Molati once contemplated killing her own father.
She even had a knife kept under her bed waiting for “D-day.” Her father was her tormentor, and a monster to her mother, and she believed that the only way to end their suffering was to reunite him with his ancestors.
She however never stabbed him. Perhaps she wasn’t brave enough, or God had bigger plans for her life beyond languishing in jail, as she had a strong feeling of restraint, which might have been the spirit guiding her from sin.
Molati is a mental health activist who does motivational speaking at schools and other platforms. She is also a mentor at Priceless Princess Movement, a board member of the Fatherless Movement, a member of the Pan African Game Changers and programme coordinator Expose Group Works.
Her troubled childhood experiences have motivated her to write a memoir titled ‘DepreSeed’, which she hopes will bring hope to the dejected and distressed.
Growing up with an abusive father Molati grew up with a father who was an alcoholic and chain smoker, and also emotionally and physically abusive. “He was unemployed and relied on the little that my mother made from her tuckshop and from selling alcohol.
“My father abused my mother and I, and it was always embarrassing because he often harassed us in front of customers. He always found fault with something so that he could turn violent.
“He would also steal alcohol, cigarettes and money from my mother’s tuck shop and she would blame me. I didn’t have freedom and wasn’t allowed to explore my capabilities; my childhood was like a prison.
“I was scolded and whipped more than I was shown love, but I had to bear the abuse for myself and my mother,” she said.
Falling sick from depression
Her performance at school started declining, and when she was in Form 3, she developed abdominal ulcers. By the time she was at tertiary, she had developed depression and had attempted suicide three times.
“I had lost interest in my studies… I felt worthless and had lost a lot of weight. I also suffered insomnia, headaches, memory loss and was always sad and isolated. I had anger issues and was toxic in relationships.”
She lost her scholarship after flunking and the anger against her father grew, because she blamed him for her state.
Smoking peace pipe with her father Luckily for her, she sought help and took the road to healing. Molati has since made amends with her father and they are now good friends. Her father has also turned over a new leaf – he does not drink and smoke anymore, and is a loving person, she said.
She forgave him as part of her own healing. “Forgiveness has nothing to do with the preparator, but you… I am not saying condone and tolerate abuse, but only love, can change situations.
“I had to pray for him; I wanted him to be a good father and husband. I decided to honour him and took care of him. In extending love, I found peace.” A positive home life is important
The activist said family should render a ‘safe space’ for everyone. “Our outer worlds are the reflection of our inner worlds and what we achieve and become is a reflection of our mental wellness and feelings.
“Emotions and words are powerful. Children who are abused or neglected grow up with poor confidence, anger and fear, and some of them grow up to be murderers and rapists.
“Parents should also stop protecting their partners over their children, and model positive behaviour,” she said.
Molati said victims of abuse should rise from the ashes like phoenixes.
“We cannot determine or control what other people do to us, but we can fight, speak out and heal. We should break the cycle of negative behaviour. I want everyone to know that there is hope; that they should not be victims but victors.”