Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision

Conflict is a dreaded word in many contexts. We all try to avoid conflict as much as we can, but do we always succeed? Conflict has a tendency to come about when we least expect it. The most difficult area of conflict to deal with is in the area of sin. Sin is defined as missing the mark, falling short of a standard.

When your spouse sins, he can certainly seem like the enemy. Yet Romans 12: 17- 21 tells us we have a choice whether to live peaceably with our enemy. That doesn’t mean overlooking his sin or doing nothing about it, but it does mean having an attitude of good that is not overcome by evil. And most of the time in conflict, evil means being angry.

Being angry means that you are trying to be in control instead of allowing God to be, and that won’t get you the result you desire. Yes, you will still need to call your spouse’s attention to the sin. If it is horrible and terribly painful, like adultery, and your spouse refuses to remove himself from the sin, then you may need to separate legally. But most of the time, we are dealing with sin that is grievous but not liable to end the marriage. How then do we resolve such conflict?

Since marriage is God’s design, we need to consult God on the answer to this question. God calls us to righteousness if we are the offended party.

This is not a self-righteous, I ambetter-than-you attitude, but a humble heart like the one 1 Peter 3:8-9 describes: “live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” Compassion means acknowledging that you are capable of doing the same thing or worse. Regardless of the degree of sin that we have committed, we have all fallen short.

We all stand on equal ground before a holy God who has forgiven us. In those moments, Galatians 6:1-2 is a good reminder that we need to restore the one who has done wrong through love.

Compassion also means forgiving your spouse, but forgiving doesn’t mean we are saying the sin didn’t happen or that he or she shouldn’t suffer the consequences of sin. But it means releasing your anger and your need to take revenge.

Then set up a plan for accountability and strength for your spouse to turn from the sin so that the two of you can be reconciled.

To forgive someone benefits you. To forgive doesn’t mean you allow the person to continue to hurt you in the same way. Most people don’t intentionally try to hurt you. God wants us to forgive others. It won’t be long before you will need to be forgiven.

Forgiveness becomes easier when you look for similar behavior in your life. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision!