Unearned Trust, Prudishness and the Risk of STIs
Without sex there would be no population growth. Sex, for all that can be said about it, is a tricky thing to navigate when you don’t have the maturity or self-empowerment to do so. Too often people are given trust they haven’t earned – either out of fear of rejection, personal censorship, or not being given the choice to take a stance on anything. The irony then is shocking that something so personal has been relegated to being taboo in general social conversations.
In a recent exchange with some adults (one of whom has children) it appeared that not all people considered ‘of age to engage in consensual sexual activity in the view of the law’ are comfortable talking about this pleasurable and risky activity. The aversion to talking about the pleasure or exploration was overshadowed by the adamant resistance of one member of the group to even acknowledging that people do such things. This unveiled one of a few things about how Botswana has treated sex: it is a private activity, and because we associate privacy with secrecy (and by extension shame) it is never to be spoken about even with those close enough to accompany us to a morgue.
Trust, it has been said, is earned. However, there seems to be a fear of expecting people to earn trust when it comes to sexual engagements. This statement is quite general and righty so because it would take some time to get comprehensive data on its complete truth for Botswana. While the sexual behaviour of people in Botswana cannot be called frivolous, we cannot ascribe diligence to it either. One needs only look at how the HIV/AIDS strategy morphed over the years to see our struggle with talking about sex for what it is. Over the span of twenty or so years, we went from attempting to inculcate condomization to a national circumcision drive. While the science has been available, the cultural end has been a spot of quicksand in Botswana.
This quicksand has been fortified by the collective prudishness that plagues Batswana. Vulgarity politics say that acknowledging that sex is something that people are able to desire and engage in with other willing participants signals loose morals. The consistent reiteration of such statements quashes safe exploration among people of age in favour of chastity. However, much like Audre Lorde said of silence, one’s prudishness will not protect them from the realities that lurk in the world of sex should they engage in it.
Mind you, no one is saying that we must talk about it all the time. The proposal is that when it is spoken about – which should be more often than is the case at present – it is done frankly, paying mind to the science and cultural elements of the issue, and divorcing it from moralistic arguments. Bodily autonomy needs to be what we teach.
People are sexualized from young ages (you only need to see social media conversations about toddlers in short shorts and crop tops for proof ) but we cannot solve the issue of sexualisation if we don’t face it. All we do in running away from the matter is enable predators because we keep spending time on the doctrine of respecting others more than respecting the self enough to set boundaries.
In the same aforementioned conversation, the subject of protected oral sex came up. There were various protective tools available in the room and each was discussed – with some being introduced to people for the first time. As this was a conversation among adults, the expectation was that science and technology would always be deemed better than opinion. This was not the case. While liberal sexual practice/conduct is specific to the individual, protection against transmission of STIs or STDs is a communal effort. As such, it makes no sense for people to surrender cautiousness in favour of altruistic ‘trust’ based on submitting to the standards of prudishness we value above being informed and empowered.
Without sex there is no population growth, but that is not the only reason humans or dolphins engage in the activity. For humans, however, there are politics that need to be shattered in order for true social justice in relation to the act(s) and actors to be attained. No one in their right mind can ever say that sex is not steeped in politics of trust. We must change our approach to sex education if we really care about people’s personal and communal well being. Trust is hard earned.
The aversion to talking about the pleasure or exploration was overshadowed by the adamant resistance of one member of the group to even acknowledging that people do such things.