LIFE OF HELL
GBV survivor speaks out Warns women to leave toxic relationships
The Gender Based Violence (GBV) that she endured for about seven years at the hands of her ex-boyfriend has left a permanent scar on Sylvia Spike’s beautiful face. She now does not wish the same ordeal on anyone.
Spike, not her real name, is still trying to gain confidence to talk about her sad story because she realises that she could help someone. She is quick to encourage women that could be going through any form of abuse to leave while there is still time. What she has observed over time, is that victims of abuse are often fully aware that they are in a wrong place.
“For me, it started with just one slap, and I could not believe that my sweetheart had inflicted that kind of pain on me. He was very insecure at that time. He assaulted me for going out to the mall with a friend. He drove away with me to the outskirts of the city and beat me, but I forgave him since it was the first incident. Although I knew I wasn’t wrong, I just took the blame and hoped for the better,” Spike says.
The worst was still to happen. Her ex-boyfriend would use every opportunity to demean and undermine her in every way. “I was a student in South Africa and he kept on saying that studying in another country has changed me. I failed one of my modules because of his emotional abuse.”
When Spike thought that she had seen it all, she fell pregnant with their first child and her family rejected her. “I was stuck with him and he took advantage of the situation and abused me even further. He would tell me that I was getting fat at size 34, and embarrassed me whenever I dressed up or put on makeup.”
She recalls a day back in 2015, after she had had enough of the abuse and stabbed her ex-boyfriend, who was 10 years her senior on his hands and shoulders in self defense. She narrates to The Midweek Sun that they were fighting on that fateful day when she ran to lock herself in the bathroom but he broke the door. She then escaped to the kitchen. “When I laid my eyes on a knife, I reached for it without even thinking and stabbed him. His brother found him bleeding and called the police,” Spike narrates, adding that at the time she was staying with his boyfriend’s family and they all blamed her for stabbing their own.
She is, however, thankful to the police officer who offered her counseling that led her to taking a decision to move out of her boyfriend’s house and escape the toxic lifestyle. Spike warns that abusive people always find a way to put the blame on their victims, stating that her ex-boyfriend would even go to an extent of crying, saying that he did
not mean to hurt her, but never stopped.
She recalls another incident in 2012 when he punched her on the face for visiting her family for a weekend. Another was when she visited her aunt and brought with her a box of pizza but he believed that the pizza was bought by another man, and threw it away. In all these instances, the man would apologise, yet he never changed but rather further developed a habit of stalking her wherever she was. “Whenever I was at a mall, I would sense it that I was being followed. I would tell the people I am with that I could feel his presence and they thought I was being paranoid until we would spot him,” she says, noting that she was living a life of hell. When the police separated them, and warned her not to go back to his house, she complied and stayed at a friend’s house but he kept on contacting her for over two weeks, even expressing a desire to marry her. Spike regrets ever making a decision to finally go back to his house alone to collect her belongings. She found herself trapped once again and captured for two months. This time, she was beaten, her braided hair pulled out, all because he had paid for the hairstyle. Her belongings were destroyed. This was when she ran for her life for good, as his family only stepped in to warn her to leave.
Surprisingly, he would not stop following her. Neighbours would spot him sitting in his car in the neighbourhood, or even hiding in a trench pit ready to pounce. “We were to get married, his pastors were actually pushing for us to get married towards the end of 2015. They did not know what was happening between us until I opened up,” she shares. Spike still cries over other women’s GBV stories. “The first step to be free from abuse is to leave as soon as you realise the kind of character you are dealing with. Somehow, I have always
felt that he was not good enough for me and my inner gut would also tell me that my life would change for the better if I leave him, but I kept asking myself where I would go if I leave him. I want to warn women to obey their inner voice and put themselves first,” she says. After all this misery she started going to church where she started her journey of healing. She says there was a point where she was bitter and angry with men. “I never really dated since then because I am afraid to commit. All I had in the past was an illusion of breaking men’s hearts, but I am learning through counseling and friends that not all men are abusive,” she shares, adding, “I want to commit and have a stable relationship but I am scared. I would meet someone for three weeks then I leave because I always find something offish about them. I am still hopeful that I will find something genuine when the time is right,” she says. When the country started recording high cases of GBV in 2020 during lockdown, she had wanted to volunteer and help in a way that she could, however, she would break down. Since she started therapy last month, she decided to open up about her sad story with the hope that it would help someone.
The therapy was prompted by an unfortunate incident at her workplace that brought back all the heart ache and pain from her abusive relationship. “I really felt intimidated and got scared. This triggered all the bad memories, as I started having flashing backs, so that led me to seek professional help for my personal healing and development,” she said.
The couple started dating in 2008, and ended the relationship in 2017.