THE GAYDAR: ARE YOU GAY OR ARE YOU NOT?

This week’s conversation is on the, ‘gaydar.’ We are trying to understand what it is, who has it, if it is reliable and if it truly exists or if it is all a regurgitation of stereotypes. Finally, do parents have a gaydar? A gaydar is the ability to establish whether someone is gay by utilizing minimal visible information about the person and it is often guided by one’s own intuition. Gaydar is a combination of “gay” and “radar.” Queer people use their gaydar to find safe spaces and partners while non-queer people may use it to hunt down gay people to harm them or to simply know out of curiosity if the next person is gay or not.

The belief is that some people, mostly queer people, seem to have a more accurate gaydar than others. Heterosexuals and people who hold anti-gay views would then likely not have a gaydar or rather, a good gaydar. From the conversations I have had with queer people, to them it is the slight but knowing eye contact with someone while out in public. According to them, it also extends to having gay mutual friends with someone; the type of locations one chooses to visit; the type of drinks they like and their interests.

A gaydar is not always correct, some people may be accurately identified as gay but others won’t be. Since it uses what is visible about a person, it may not be accurate as gay people do not all present a certain way. Gay men and lesbian women exist on a spectrum; some are feminine, others masculine while others may express both fluidly.

It is also imperative to ask oneself if a gaydar is not a projection on to other people. One sees this person they like and they assume the person is gay because they wish more than anything for them to be. Some people may just be too nice and one assumes their affirmation of men being kind and sweet with each other hints at them being gay. Also, because gay people are in pursuit of finding a partner, they may project a connection on to the other person and assume the other person is gay or feels the same.

One could also wonder if a gaydar truly exists or if it is based on stereotypes. The idea behind the gaydar is that it uses visible information like how effeminate a man is, how they dress, HOW THEY BEHAVE, THEIR POSTURE, THEIR HAND GESTURES AND THEIR FACIAL EXPPRESSIONS as well as THEIR OVERALL look. This information is then used to conclude that someone is gay. However, not all effeminate men are gay and not all gay men are effeminate. Therefore, the used visual clues may just be stereotypes of how gay people are supposed to look AND BEHAVE.

Which then brings us to the next question; is a gaydar limited to gay people or does it extend to other sexual orientations? Can it pick up bisexuality? Homosexuality, more than any other sexual orientation, has been categorized and has accumulated numerous stereotypes that try to define what it looks like. It would then be easy to use those stereotypes to conclude that someone is gay, however, how do you tell if someone is bisexual and can you? The answer is likely no, because just like gay people, bisexuals also exist on a spectrum.

Finally, if having a gaydar is not limited to only queer people then do parents of queer children have a gaydar? The reality of some queer children is that their parents would get them toys or allow them to engage with things that are opposite what the queer child’s expected gender roles are. Queer children also sometimes express themselves differently from what is said to be the norm and one would wonder if parents can pick up on those cues to then realize that their child may be queer. This then prompts the question of whether parents also have gaydar or not; or are they just oblivious to the subtle signs that their children show.

One of the reasons that parents may “ignore” the signs associated with queer persons is that they have a view that a seven-year-old boy might have no clue as to what sexuality is and so they impose their views and preferences upon the child.

Having read this, the question I pose is; does a gaydar exist or is it a use of stereotypes to try ascertain what may be deemed queer?