Don’t let those negative feelings ruin your marriage

Is your wife or husband irritable and frustrated and taking it out on you? Does he get drunk silly to drown his sorrows? Does she swear and curse to vent her feelings of anger? Does he go into silent mode and come home late at night or early hours of the morning? Does she cook food that is undesirable to get back at you? Does she leave the housekeeper to cook for the family all the time? Does he treat you with utmost respect despite your bitterness towards him? Does she give you her best even when you give her your worst? Do these questions strike a chord with your situation? Are you deep in the mud and don’t know what to do or say? Let us see how you can find help for your situation.

Maybe your wife doesn’t deny being irritable or unhappy in your marriage. When there is tension between you she simply lets her frustration sit in the dense air of your home, and as you wait for an answer you realise you will never get one and it leaves you helpless. She tries to talk to you about your moods, but she either becomes even more irritable with you, pointing the finger at you about your moods, or she withdraws. Either way, you end up in another blow out and you cannot stand it. You are not sure how much more you can tolerate this environment in your home. Sometimes we may reluctantly admit our anger, but never fully acknowledge our spouse’s complaints. When we do acknowledge it, we claim it was because of our spouse’s moodiness and irritability. Round and round the discussions go.

Meanwhile the whole time the level of tension rises. Each one points the finger at the other. Each feels unduly maligned. Each person is very unhappy and wonders about the integrity and strength of the marriage. Both may have a point. Certainly there may be some truth to each person’s position. Sadly, the way the issue is discussed brings no resolution to the problem. These are the moments that give marriage counsellors a headache. Who has what problem? Is he irritable and possibly depressed? Does his irritability occur because he feels picked on by his wife who won’t seem to let the issue rest? Or, is the problem her depression? Perhaps her anger and irritability are at the origin of the problems. With each pointing a finger at the other, finding the true source of your problem may be less feasible than determining a way for you to work together to solve your relational problems. At this pace, if you cannot end this struggle and learn to cooperate, your marriage is in trouble. This situation may seem hopeless but is it really so? I want to emphasise that there is no situation beyond repair. If a situation cannot be fixed, it is because one or both parties refuse to work on a solution. Your situation is redeemable. It takes lots of effort to salvage your marriage. Be sure to read the next column.