Go e tsaya ka namane

There is some chap who met a lovely young woman, and after a brief courtship, he was so head over heels in love that he decided to marry her. At the bogadi negotiations the young woman’s uncle asked the would-be-groom: “A o e tsaya ka namane?” The young man was perplexed. Namane?! Tlhogo ke fa e eme tsii! It turns out that he was unaware that his lady-love had a child. Ideally, someone’s past should not matter in a relationship but realistically, when that past has eyes, walks and talks, it can be an issue for some people, who do not warm up to the idea of raising children who are not biologically theirs. Some people will treat their partner’s children like dirt or even disregard them, which is an undesirable situation. That could be one reason why in Setswana culture when a child is born out of wedlock they are shipped to be raised by their grandparents or other relatives – to avoid possible fights between spouses, and ill-treatment of the child. But there are other challenges. A male friend tells me that sometimes dating a woman with a child is like a three-way relationship because there’s always that baby daddy sticking his nose in the relationship and acting like he is important merely because he is ‘rrago bana’ - this despite the fact that this fella doesn’t support these kids and the boyfriend is burdened with buying mopako for kids he hasn’t sired.

There are women whose hopes for marriage are often dashed by the fact that they have borne out of wedlock, several children who are like ‘choice assorted’ biscuits –a variety because they have different baby daddies. It doesn’t help that some men can’t deal with the social stigma associated with dating someone with children, or are even overcome by fears of whether they would be able to take on the emotional and financial responsibility of raising the child (ren). Meanwhile, men rarely worry much about such eventualities because society applauds men who breed like cockroaches.

In cases of compromise, many people are tolerant of a partner who comes with only one child, largely because in our communities there is a wide-held belief that the first child is usually a ‘mistake’. Batswana men are more accommodative of a woman who comes with a child. In fact, many of them have and will continue to raise children who are not biologically theirs; out of goodwill and love for the women they choose. On the other hand, women tend to be hostile towards and unwelcoming of a man who comes with children hence the many evil step-mother stories we hear of out there. Nowadays step parenting and blended families are the norm. However, some people, particularly men, prefer situations where the biological father is not in the picture. It is generally desirable to have children within marriage but, hey, stuff happens in life. While your potential spouse coming into the marriage or relationship with a child is not really a train smash, the point of contention emanates when one party is not forthcoming about their children and the relationship with their biological parent. Some men have been taken for a ride because they chose to “take the cow with the calf”. The poor man would be told that the father (s) of the children has been “hit by a train” and because he loves the mother, he will take on the fatherly role without batting an eyelid. However, a few months, or even years down the line, some Kulenyane rocks up and he is told that: ‘Rragwe bana o boile.” Tlerere!