WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN EFFEMINATE GAY MAN

As a man, when you identify yourself as queer, you are perceived to strip yourself of masculinity. Homosexuality is seen as an orientation that does not allow you to attain ‘real’ masculinity and this has various effects on gay men.

However, to be an effeminate gay man takes it a step further and makes it challenging to exist in a world that is governed by masculinity. By virtue of being effeminate, you are made to represent gay men in general and in the process have your interests dictated. On top of facing discrimination from heterosexual people, other gay men may not want to be associated with you. Effeminate gay men have a gender expression that strays away from the ideals of masculinity and therefore makes it easy for them to be discernible as ‘going against the grain’. Because of this visibility, they tend to be scapegoated as what it means to be a gay man. One of the impacts of this is that, any effeminate man will have his sexuality questioned alongside their level of masculinity. Their interests also then tend to be generalized by the general public and the media to be flashy and fashion conscious. These generalizations are often expected from every other gay man. The consequence of this is that, gay men will feel that the standard to being queer is in expressing yourself the same way these generalizations dictate. In an attempt to either hide their sexuality or try to attain the ideals of masculinity, other queer men will try to avoid effeminate queer men. This exclusion translates to the dating world where queer men will actively look for masculine presenting men to date. Friend groups also tend to be populated by other “straight acting” gay men. This makes effeminate gay men feel isolated. The influence of masculinity ideals affect the very fabric that encourages and needs the queer community to be there for one another. One other struggle effeminate gay men face is having their sexuality repressed. Due to them being feminine, they are perceived to have sexual interests or expressions that are in line with the roles women are traditionally expected to play. These roles are not only sexual too, as some gay men will date effeminate gay men in order to try replicate heteronormative ideals. The expectation then becomes that effeminate gay men should be submissive in all areas just like women are traditionally expected to be and when they express interest in any other role, they are often shamed or ridiculed. All of the above discussed issues have an impact on effeminate gay men. The very notion that their femininity exposes them to an unwarranted form of visibility means that they also get exposed to possible harm. Effeminate gay men get verbally and physically abused while out in public and by family members because they are effeminate. On top of being traumatized by the abuse, it also makes them likely to be hyper vigilant of every action or movement they make. They will try to supress their femininity in an attempt to appear in a way that a ‘real man’ would. The hypervigilance may turn into a mission to become masculine through working out. This is also exacerbated by the discrimination effeminate gay men face within the LGBTIQ+ community, where other gay men will want to date masculine men or deem femininity as am unattractive quality. This takes a toll psychologically because one is in constant pursuit of ideals that are, in themselves, also dangerous to live by. In addition, there is also a constant need to represent the queer community and pressure to know the issues prevalent in the community. Because you are effeminate and in a sense visible, you are taken as the token gay person that has to speak for the community and know the dos and don’ts of being queer. This then takes away the privilege of simply existing without holding an entire community on your shoulders. It is important to note that, while their visibility may not be a choice, it contributes a great deal to advancing LGBTIQ+ rights and presence. They are here, they are queer and effeminate, and the world should get used to it. In conclusion, being an effeminate gay man is a huge struggle that comes with various forms of trauma. In pursuit of self-acceptance, it would also be important to deal with the psychological effects of the trauma of being an effeminate gay man.