AFFAIR CHILDREN: When cheating breeds ‘problem’ children

What to do when a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Albert Gaopelo, Senior Marriage Counsellor at Olorato Marriage Counselling Centre says cheating in marriage relationships has become so prevalent today, thereby increasing the likelihood of ‘affair children.’

According to Gaopelo, marriage faces more challenges that ever before, resulting in some husbands fathering children outside their marriages, as well as wives who are impregnated outside their marriages. All these often contribute to the increase in divorce cases annually.

His view is that marriage needs hard work and commitment, but many people go into marriages unprepared, and when challenges become heavy some seek comfort outside in extra marital affairs.

“While some try to keep it a secret eventually the results of such a relationship come out in the form of child,” Gaopelo said.

He said a child conceived outside marriage could also be a result of unmet expectations. For instance, if the husband wants children but the wife does not or it could be due to fertility issues.

He has observed that increasingly children are conceived and born outside marriage. But in his view, a child born outside marriage is a secret that could have far-reaching consequences such as marriage wrecking court cases, or even lead to divorce.

These children, Gaopelo said, are normally kept a secret from the wife.

According to Gaopelo, older men above 40 years are normally the ones who bear children outside marriage.

He added that when a child is born outside a marriage it could complicate many things, for instance cause insecurities. To some it is a deal breaker that can collapse a marriage.

“Surviving this needs humility, transparency, openness, honesty and truth. But many of us try to cover up, become rude and arrogant, this kind of pride can collapse the marriage”, Gaopelo said.

He recalled dealing with similar cases in 2019, one of which they were able to resolve.

“The husband has been remorseful and transparent in interactions with the child and his support. But the relationship with the baby mama has been terminated.” In another however, they were never able to save the marriage.

Gaopelo said an affair affects everybody, including children within the marriage and those outside.

“The children may start to question everything including the stability they feel at home. Others may feel betrayed and abandoned by the cheating parent which can lead to mistrust of the cheating parent,” he explains.

Moreover, children can be depressed, resentful and less motivated which may affect their studies.

Gaopelo said acceptance of the ‘love affair child’ by other children depends more on the stability and unity of the married couple and it should not be rushed.

“Let us help the grieving partner heal first, and together decide on how to introduce the child if that is the way forward. If not handled well the other child may not feel welcome, may be discriminated against, may be blamed for all the family problems,” Gaopelo noted.

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal and the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

This situation happens more often than anyone likes to admit. The child, of course, is an innocent party in this whole experience; however, since their presence serves as an ongoing reminder of the affair, this can understandably make it more difficult to recover. Actually, trying to expand the considerations to include thinking of what’s “best for the child” can sometimes lift people out of a very narrow focus only on their own personal pain. Also, a joint effort by the husband and wife in trying to deal with this enormous challenge can serve to draw them together.

Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. But here is how Dr Phil of the famous television show advised someone who felt betrayed by a spouse:

- Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner. - Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do. - Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.

- You may have to make the decision that you’ll work to get over this, or get out of it. Find a way to forgive — or get out.