It is possible to restore marriage after adultery

Marriage is God’s idea and is meant to be enjoyed by both spouses for a lifetime. Unfortunately, adultery has destroyed many marriages and is continuing to wreak havoc in our society.

We live in a time where sex has been glorified by both politicians and religious leaders. Can a marriage marred by adultery be restored? The answer is a resounding “Yes”. It is possible to restore a marriage after an adulterous affair. But doing so requires absolute honesty with oneself and with one’s spouse. It will take a long time to rebuild the trust but it is possible with prayer, hard work, competent counseling, and a resilient commitment to make the marriage stronger than before.

Rather than taking the time and the steps required for true healing, sometimes the issues are swept under the carpet. What those who do this fail to realise is that the unresolved issues which led to the affair are still brewing and rotting beneath the veneer of the relationship.

And toxic gas is being released and inhaled by the couple, their children, even their church family and those around them. The poison goes on to destroy future generations. The issues associated with adultery are often complex, and there is no simple formula to restore the marriage. Here are a few beneficial insights.

* First and foremost, both husband and wife must be committed to restoration. If one spouse attempts to manipulate the other spouse into restoring a marriage it will not work. It is absolutely necessary for both spouses to be open to restoration. It is not uncommon for one to start off more willing than the other, but if over time that person remains opposed, restoration cannot happen. I have counseled many spouses where only one is willing to make the marriage work. It is a futile exercise.

* The offended person needs time to grieve and process the hurt. It is not an easy time for him/her. Infidelity destroys trust, security, privacy, and intimacy hence grief abounds.

* The person who committed adultery needs to allow the offended spouse the time and space to grieve the violation and breach of the covenant. Any attempt to rush the healing process, or demand that the affair is over because “I never want to talk about it again” is an indication that the adulterer or adulteress is not truly repentant.

* True repentance is a necessity for true reconciliation. People who commit adultery often justify the act. If one is serious about restoring the marriage, it is necessary to learn how to face the truth. (2 Corinthians10:4-5) It is common to hear the spouse who has broken the covenant make statements such as, “My spouse is not meeting my needs,” or “I have never really loved my spouse,” or “I do not know how I ended up here… it just happened.”

If the offender is not truly remorseful, but merely sorry that they got caught, restoring the marriage will be impossible. It is similar to building a house on a foundation that has a huge crack; eventually the house will crumble.