Of Emotional Abuse & Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Part 8)

This piece is a worthy continuance of the former; it is dedicated to one of our worthy readers who requested that we enunciate on co-dependents in light of narcissism.

It is noteworthy to mention that this commentary is not purported to shame/blame co-dependents or any victim of narcissism or suggest that all casualties of narcissism are co-dependents. It is rather a judicious attempt to explicate on how co-dependency can be a helping hand in the perpetuation of narcissistic abuse.

A co-dependent is sometimes referred to as the ‘fixer’ i.e., a person who befriends others or gets into romantic relationships with an intent to fix them. Co-dependents typically derive their worth from caretaking and perpetually neglecting their needs and want so as to please their lovers.

They have an insatiable need to feel needed in a relationship and are thus prone to falling in love with people who have chronic emotional imbalances as it provides an opportune moment for the co-dependent to try to fix/ change that type of partner. It is foreign to the nature of a co-dependent to date/marry a person who does not patently need help or have to be rescued from some sort of peril. Any regular person without co-dependent tendencies or any other personality disorders most likely engages in romantic relationships to share their life and add value to their partners’ lives and have same reciprocated without necessarily seeking to rescue/fix their partner in any way.On the other hand, narcissists who are sometimes referred to as ‘takers’ befriend others or get into romantic relationships so as to extract narcissistic supply. Narcissists thrive in relationships where their partners continually place the narcissist ahead of themselves even if it relentlessly prejudices their partner’s very needs and wants.

Co-dependents now and again form relationships with narcissists with an intention to help the narcissist become a better person; an intention which oftentimes backfires against co-dependents as narcissists rarely change. Typically, the two partners develop complementary roles to fill each other’s needs. The co-dependent person has found a partner they can pour their self into and build into a better person whilst the narcissistic person has found someone who puts their needs first at all costs.

Co-dependency And Narcissism: Same Needs, Different Behaviours

Narcissism and co-dependency are both linked to an undefined self. They often struggle to get a sense of who they truly are. People with these conditions often rely on other people to define their own identities. As such they place substantial importance on what others think of them.

Narcissists many a time have an intense, almost exclusive focus on themselves. They usually display a lack of empathy or regard for others’ needs. They may only care about others’ feelings in relation to themselves. Narcissistic people often need someone else to inflate their self-esteem.

Conversely, people with co-dependency are often hyper-focused on others. They typically form an identity around serving others’ needs. They may try to control another person’s behaviour, believing they know what is best for the person. Instead of praise, co-dependents often crave gratitude and a sense of “being needed.” When their partner doesn’t show enough gratitude for their service, the codependent person may feel resentful and go to extraordinary lengths to further please the narcissist without assessing if they are on the wrong or have done everything within their control for their narcissistic partner and acknowledging that they don’t have control over their narcissistic partner’s reactions. Meanwhile, the narcissistic person often exploits the co-dependent’s people-pleasing tendencies for their own narcissistic supply. As their ego grows, their unreasonable demands also mount and the co-dependent is ever ready to comply with such demands.

Despite the relationship between the narcissist and co-dependent being abusive, neither partner may exit the said relationship. Both of them may stay in an unhealthy romance for fear of being alone. The co-dependent stays in the relationship for fear of feeling unworthy as a result of having no one to fix and care/over sacrifice for whilst the narcissist fears feeling unworthy as a consequence of having no one to derive narcissistic supply from. Without help, this dynamic can grow increasingly toxic. *Gaone Monau is a Practicing attorney and Motivational speaker. For bookings on gender-based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or gpmonau@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone. This article was co – authored in conjunction with Tsholofelo Kgwalabatlhe, a narcissist survivor, Psychologist, Founder and Director of Explore Consults Pty Ltda company that offers counselling, psychotherapy, workshops, trainings and assessments. Her Facebook page is Explore Life with Tsholo. For bookings/appointments contact 73015012.