The hookup culture
meeting. This makes it difficult for people to truly express their feelings and desires.
Beyond the realm of innocent misunderstanding or regret, many sexual partners choose to ignore the nonverbal cues of a potential sexual partner. Perhaps it was not Ansari’s intent but Grace describes feeling assaulted after their date. And many of the women who shared their experiences after reading Grace’s story related it to sexual violence and unkindness, a malevolent persistence that left them with deep trauma and hurt. There’s an inherent danger in having sex with someone who does not know you – and, therefore, does not particularly care about you.
Our casual hookup culture may promise greater excitement. It’s a means to sex without too many (or any) strings attached. But that lack of strings also comes with downsides: the divorce of love and sex means that we’re more likely to have painful and awkward sexual experiences.
In a 2002 study in which participants were asked their feelings after a hookup, 35 percent were “regretful or disappointed”, while only 27 percent felt “good or happy”. A 2012 study found that 78 percent of women and 72 percent of men who had “uncommitted sex” reported a history of feeling regret after the encounter. In addition, the American Psychological Association notes that “among a sample of 1,743 individuals who had experienced a one-night stand, Campbell (2008) . . . found that men had stronger feelings of being ‘sorry because they felt they used another person,’ whereas women had stronger feelings of ‘regret because they felt used.”.
Of course, marriage and committed partnerships still hold peril for miscommunication. It is still vitally important for sexual partners to be honest with each other and to care for their own needs. That said, in a truly loving relationship, sex should be unshackled from the perils of potential aggression and freed from the hesitancy of strangeness. It should unfold within an atmosphere of care and kindness. Sex within a loving relationship has the potential for intimacy and respect in a way that sex with strangers never can. A romantic partner of several months should be able to read their lover’s expressions or nonverbal cues with ease: to pick up on body ten- sion, voice inflection, even the subconscious needs or feelings of their spouse or companion. What’s more, the longer the relationship, the more two people are enabled to learn the needs and desires of their partner.
For some, this is an obvious point. But in a world in which casual hookups are becoming ever-more common, it’s still worth pointing out. Our bodies are not shells: The deference or disregard with which they are treated have a impact on our souls. Some have mocked Grace for calling her date with Ansari the “worst night of her life”. But truly, the vulnerabilities of sex are manifold – and leave a lasting impression on the human person.
What might have happened if Ansari had listened to Grace and backed off, allowing her time to get to know him and go on another date or two? Perhaps they would have eventually had sex. But more importantly, they could have become friends. Giving up a night of sex with a stranger could have led to a relationship that promised more. But in a world that emphasises the thrills of casual sex, people often shut the door on more deeply fulfilling sorts of relationships.
Our cultural debates surrounding sex suggest that it’s the monogamous and committed who are missing out on something. Their faithfulness excludes them from the serendipity they’d otherwise get to experience. They’re likely to get bored, to lose out on the thrills of strangeness and excitement.
But perhaps one thing Cat Person and the Aziz Ansari story suggests to us is that those with more casual sexual lives can also miss out on something: the joy of intimacy with someone who knows them deeply. This must be a part of our conversation surrounding sex, or we risk withholding something precious from women and men who might want more than a one-night stand.