This doesn’t suit anyone

I’m writing this column impaired.

Not by drink or drug, but by suit. I’m wearing a “drunk suit,” and suddenly imagine staggering up the red carpet at the Oscars in it.

“Who are you wearing? It’s not a Givenchy, is it?” Melissa Rivers (Joan’s daughter) asks on behalf of millions of TV viewers as I stumble past.

“Drunk suit by Ford!” I reply. “It’s … ah … ah … certainly an attention grabber,” Rivers says. Indeed it is.

The suit — developed by Ford of Canada and brought here in partnership with the local police force — is not the most fashionable.

But neither is the reason it exists — to help curb the impaired driving epidemic.

The suit is comprised of ankle and wrist weights as well as knee, elbow, and neck bandages.

Plus there are headphones that mute sound and vision-impairment goggles that remind me of how things looked for much of that first year of university.

The get-up is designed to simulate what it’s like to be under the influence.

I’m trying to see how it influences my ability to write a column.

“You have the ability to write a column?” one of you is undoubtedly wondering.

To that smarty pants I say: No less than a current president has the ability to run a country.

Anyway, please don’t be offended by anything that’s been written or that follows. It’s the drunk suit talking.

Spellink is the firt cashulty.

It’s so bad this column had to be more heavily edited than usual.

Some samples of my sloshed sentences:

“Trying to write this on my iphon.”

“The longer it’s on, the drinker I feel.”

In fact, I’m suit hammered to the point where walking is near impossible.

There’s a straight line taped to the floor in front of me and I can barely get out of the chair to attempt walking it.

It takes minutes to get there. Once I start walking, I list to the right and narrowly avoid crashing into the wall.

I imagine how that conversation with workers’ compensation would have gone.

“Could you repeat how you injured yourself, Sir?” they’d ask.

“Well, I was in a drunk suit for work and …”

I struggle to get back in my chair. Once parked, I try catching a tennis ball in my left hand. It hits the floor after two or three tosses.

This suit has impaired my ability far more than expected.

Wearing it, or actually being drunk, makes it pretty much useless to try anything — especially getting behind the wheel of a car, truck, SUV, motorcycle, go cart, etc.

So just don’t drink and drive. Do so and you could also find yourself in a suit — one you face in court and/or one you wear to a funeral.

Nothing remotely funny about that.