Dad plays favourites with kids

Q: My husband has a son, 10, from a previous marriage and together we have a daughter, age two. We’ve been together for seven years. He has a great, loyal personality and is very trustworthy. But recently, he told me that he loves his son more than our daughter, because he’s known the boy longer.

My worry is this: when his son is 25, will he still love him more because he’s known him longer? I don’t want my daughter to sense that feeling from him as she grows. What a horrible thing for her to feel.

I’m very upset. I love his son as much as my daughter, though maybe differently, but the amount is the same. What do I do?

— Unequal Love

A: Change the topic of discussion and weigh your husband’s actions more than his foolish words. So long as he’s loving to his daughter, and spending some quality time with her, he’s showing his attachment.

He may have been trying to say something many di- vorced or widowed parents feel, which is that a child from a previous marriage needs some extra attention after experiencing the separation or loss.

Although he does know his son’s personality, reactions and quirks better than those of his two-year-old daughter, it’s a silly comparison.

He may have been trying to be provocative, or just enjoying a theoretical debate, but it was sure to set you off, and you’ve responded with worries. Be smarter and avoid unnecessary stress in the relationship.

Unless you truly distrust his feelings for your daughter — and that doesn’t seem to be the case — drop this now. Also, forget about weighing how much or which way you love his son. Just be a loving, responsible, involved parent with both kids and expect the same from him.

Q: I’m a male, 29, who has recently graduated from university. I’m a Sri Lankan Tamil and met a Sri Lankan Tamil girl in my field during my studies. She’s 22.

I’m in love with her and decided to propose to her through “my friend” (this same girl), whom I also met at school. This girl and I travelled together by subway and worked together in group projects. She’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

She might not be interested in the proposal because of the age difference between us. But I’m wondering how to keep the friendship at the same level even if the proposal is unsuccessful. How can I handle the situation if the proposal doesn’t work out, since I have such high expectations and hopes?

— Risky Proposal?

A: This could turn out wonderfully fun and successful, since you were clever to think of asking “your friend” to propose for you … to herself! Or, it could confuse her — as it did me for a while — and embarrass her when she responds if she doesn’t feel the same way.

A proposal is a very significant step in any culture. Though you’re good friends, you also need to have some sense of whether she’s ready, at 22, for that commitment with anyone, and some sense of whether there’s any chemistry between you.

I say, hold off longer. Talk to her about the future — is she interested in further schooling, travel or working locally? Would she see herself in a long-term relationship for the right person, or is she not ready for that yet?

Get closer. Compliment her, take her hand when you walk together and be aware of her responses. You’ll know soon enough whether you can go further and even ask “your friend” what she thinks of you two dating.