Quell anxiety about new relationship
Q: I started dating a hilarious, fun man one month ago. He’s really cool, and I enjoy his company. He’s bisexual; I’m gay. I don’t have a problem with his bisexuality. My feelings for him grow every time we’re together — rare for me past the first date, if there’s even the smallest red flags.
But now I’m scared that another person, in particular a woman, could someday provide him with something I cannot.
I know that as a gay man I should be more open and accepting, but I’m afraid I’m opening myself up for disappointment. We haven’t had “the talk” yet, but I want to delay it a while. We also haven’t had sex due to each of our current living arrangements and it’d be awkward to have “the talk” before any intimacy.
I’m trying to avoid a classic heartbreak situation. The last man I dated seriously was four years ago and he passed away. Am I just finding an excuse with his sexuality to keep myself jaded and skeptical? Or, is it a fair thing to be worried about?
— Bi-Ignorant
A: You’re working hard at building your emotional armour, but it’s not necessary. Every new relationship could pose the same question, no matter the sexual identification involved: “Will someone else come along to replace me?”
Creating a wall of fear is counter-productive. It’ll show, and that signal often pushes people away as the new person looks needy.
Also these are early days, one month only tells you about “like” between you, obviously the humour too, but little more beyond mutual attraction.
When you’re both more certain of each other, don’t be afraid to ask him questions about long-term goals, just as many couples — straight or gay — eventually do. Does he want children? With a wife? Or can he see having a lasting relationship, possibly with children too, in a gay union?
Q: I’ve been married to a medical professional for three years. The biggest problem I have is his inability to compromise, especially on major issues like having children, and his desire to live overseas.
Before we married he said, “Let’s wait until we reach that point.” Now we’ve reached it, and I’ve sacrificed a lot to be with this man. He’s the “my way or the highway” type. I’m a patient person, but he’s often taken advantage of that.
How do I get him to meet eye to eye with me? It’s a constant power struggle and he always tries to be in control. He refuses to seek counselling for us.
— Losing tug of war
A: Not clear whether it’s kids and/or the move overseas that you want or don’t want, but it’s obvious he’s calling all the shots. Some people in his profession tend to be strongly decisive, related to their work. Time to tell him you’re a partner, not a patient.
The choices about starting a family or not, and where to live, must be mutual, or it’s a setup for fights and eventual splits. You’ve already reached the boiling point of frustration. Tell him so.
Lots of sacrifices are made in marriages, but it can’t be only one person making them. Tell him he either discusses the future with you with an open mind, or you’ll have to weigh your options. See a lawyer if he refuses to give you equal hearing and an equal voice.