Not fair to lead someone on

Q For two months, I’ve been dating a gentleman who’s very interested in developing a relationship, but the chemistry isn’t there for me. I’ve told him that I’m interested in a friendship only, which he’s seemed to accept ( with hand- holding only). I still hope that Mr. Right is out there. Is it OK for me to meet others for coffee and potential dates while I’m still dating my friend?

A He wants a real relationship, so it’s misleading to carry on with regularly “dating” him. And it’s hurtful to scout the field. Tell him you value his friendship but are seeking a truly mutual relationship. Take a break; in a couple of months an occasional get- together is fine if he still accepts you’ll only be friends.

Q My first husband was addicted to porn despite my being an alluring and willing sexual partner. It destroyed my marriage because I felt neglected, humiliated, and in competition with all those airbrushed women. Anyone who says porn’s harmless should talk to women who’ve lived my life. When the marriage was over, I felt very damaged. I can’t respect a man who says he loves me but looks at naked women who aren’t me. Before I got remarried, I told my husband my history and how it had led to trust issues. I told him if he wanted to have porn in his life, he wasn’t going to have me. In my home I feel loved, respected, and desired. Because of this, after many years together, we’re enjoying a very happy marriage with a lusty sex life.

A There are two important messages in your story: 1) that addiction to porn is harmful to a relationship. 2) That the spouse of a porn addict inevitably has to decide what can be tolerated and what cannot. Your current husband understands well the meaning of accommodating a partner’s needs and limits.

TIP OF THE DAY

It’s a basic rule of dating and decency: Don’t mislead someone who cares for you.