Coping with the in-laws
Meeting your partner’s parents doesn’t have to be a stressful event
Is it true that the trickiest relationships are with the in-laws and, in particular, between a mother-in-law and her daughterin-law? Or is this just a myth, a source of jokes with no real substance?
According to Terri Apter, psychologist at the University of Cambridge and author of What Do You Want from Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, it’s true.
She asked more than 160 married adults which family relationship caused them the most long-term stress. Sixty per cent of the women said it was with their mother-in-law. Fewer — 15 per cent — of men said their relationship with their wife’s mother was the most stressful.
Meanwhile, Chalandra Bryant and colleagues at Iowa State University interviewed couples in long-term relationships and found that if women were in conflict with their in-laws, they tended to view their own marriage in more negative terms, although this was not the case for men.
Karen Fingerman at the University of Texas also found that grandparents’ relationships with their sons-in-law and daughtersin-law were more strongly associated with the quality of the ties to their grandchildren than their relationships with their own sons and daughters.
So, what can you do to ensure meeting with the in-laws is as stress-free and enjoyable as possible this holiday season?
EXPECT THE BEST, RATHER THAN FEAR THE WORST
In another study, Fingerman interviewed engaged couples and their mothers before the wedding, and after marriage. She found that if family members feared their in-law relation- ships wouldn’t be close or if they expected problems when interviewed before the marriage, that’s exactly what happened after the wedding. Expect strong positive ties.
IF YOU SENSE CONFLICT, LOOK FOR EXTERNAL REASONS — DON’T BLAME YOURSELF OR THE OTHER
Christine Rittenour and Jody Kellas at the University of West Virginia interviewed 132 daughters-in-law about how they felt if they received a hurtful message from their motherin-law. Those who had a negative relationship tended to point to some internal attribute, a character fault in themselves or their mother-in-law. Those who were generally satisfied with their relationship tended to attribute to external sources — for example, an off day.
IF YOU DISAGREE, DON’T TRY TO CHANGE THEIR MIND
Apter advises a neutral response such as “That’s interesting ...,” rather than taking a confrontational stance.
There’s no need to argue; you’re unlikely to change each other’s opinion. Instead, listen non-judgmentally.
EMPATHIZE
Trying to understand how the other person feels is vital when nurturing any good relationship, and it will allow you to respond sensitively.
OFFER SINCERE PRAISE
Praise things you genuinely admire about your in-laws. What better gifts to offer this holiday season than non-judgmental interest and sincere praise?