A DRESS REHEARSAL FOR LIFE
Learning to deal with stress and adversity creates resilient children
“You’re moving AGAIN?” our acquaintances exclaim when we tell them that we will be relocating. The followup is generally a variation of either, “What a wonderful opportunity for your kids,” or “But your kids — they’re in high school now — Will they be OK? How are they taking it?”
The life we have created for our family is neither luxury, nor torture. Mobility is simply a part of who we are. Many families find themselves in similar situations, frequently on the move. Whether parents work in finance, technology, government, higher education or the military, being asked to change locations for job-related circumstances is to be expected.
Can this lifestyle be stressful? Yes, sometimes. Is it exciting? It can be. But staying in one location can be stressful and exciting, too.
Stress is a necessary component of development and growth. Despite our best intentions and attempts to manipulate circumstances, difficulties will arise, caused by everything from health to finances, relationships and unexpected events.
“But kids are resilient,” people say, in an effort to be helpful, “right?” The question mark is tacked on at the end, indicating that the speaker remains unconvinced, particularly now that our kids are adolescents. Perhaps older children are less adaptable. Social interactions and ties are important to teenagers, we are often told. What about their mental and emotional health? Are we harming them by uprooting them?
What is resilience, anyway? Is it innate, like curiosity or playfulness? According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, resilience is the ability to overcome serious hardship. Recent research has found that some children develop adequate resilience, while others do not, leaving them more vulnerable to long-term negative consequences from adversity.
Young brains are elastic and adapt easily to new circumstances. Despite recent scientific breakthroughs showing that human brains retain some elasticity throughout life, many people believe that, much like clay, young brains harden over time and become set. A natural conclusion of that mindset would be that older children are less resilient and more brittle. If forced to change, they might break.
Experts on resilience encourage us to think of the development of resilience not in terms of elasticity but rather as a see-saw. Difficulties are on one side of the fulcrum while the positive traits, or strengths, are on the other. Individuals demonstrate resilience when positive, protective factors outweigh negative ones.
How can we ensure that the stress of moving, or any other life change, does not overwhelm our children? How can we help our children, who must repeatedly start over in a new location, navigate the anxiety associated with saying goodbye and learning to live in a new setting? We can start by building up these four protective factors to balance their see-saws.
Strong, secure and responsive adult-child relationships. We must prioritize, build and maintain our relationship with our children by listening, talking and supporting them. We can provide them with enough time and space to develop self-regulation and executive function skills. We need to allow our children to experience big feelings, and listen to them and respond accordingly while helping them identify and name their emotions. Sometimes we need to simply let them cry, yell or sit in silence.
Safe and secure home environments. We will maintain consistent routines and create a sense of home in our new location with the tastes and smells of comforting food, as well as familiar clothes, toys, books and furnishings. We will continue listening to favourite music and stories, participating in well-known games and activities, and providing access to comfort items.
Choices that allow a sense of control. When people are deprived of choices, they tend to feel powerless. Children are no exception. We strive to build reasonable levels of choice into our children’s lives by giving them agency over things they can control. We engage them and seek their input throughout the process of packing, saying goodbyes and beginning our new life, allowing them to make informed decisions whenever possible.
Community connections. We encourage our children to connect with others and confide in trusted people (teachers, friends) before, during and after the move. We can assist in maintaining connections across space and time by encouraging communication with relatives and extended family and friends through phone calls, letters and social media, as well as visits.
We may not be able to raise our children in a protective bubble to shield them from all life’s hardships, but we are committed to equipping them with the positive protective factors they need to tip the resilience scale in their favour when they encounter inevitable difficulties in life.