I NEVER WANTED TO DATE A CO-WORKER ... UNTIL ...

I kept meeting guys online when the one who had my heart sat two desks away

“How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?” a software engineer named Will asked me in a room full of our co-workers. “That’s a great question,” I said. No, we were not negotiating an S&M contract. We were engineers at OkCupid, and this was one of many questions the app asked to determine compatibility.

“I think being slapped in the face during sex is the kind of thing you feel out as you get intimate with someone,” Will said. “Do we really need to ask about it?”

At 23, I’d worked at OkCupid for two years and was used to talking frankly about sex in the office. But did Will like getting slapped in the face? I buried my gaze in a spreadsheet, avoiding his eyes.

When I started at OkCupid, I thought it would help me find a fellow math nerd. Instead I was hung up on the hipster without a high school diploma who sat two desks across from me.

I hated this. I considered intraoffice dating off-limits. I was one of the few women in the office as well as in my science classes, and I knew the consequences of a strongly skewed gender ratio. A platonic study session could turn (unrequitedly) sexual at any second.

When I asked a classmate to partner with me for a competition, I was “giving a signal” and when I denied it, I was “a total tease.”

Also, Will wasn’t single. He had a girlfriend.

I tried to use OkCupid to get over my crush, dating men more my “type.” But I was hung up on Will.

Psychologists are skeptical that the qualities we filter for on dating sites — shared interests, personality types — have anything to do with relationship success. But most agree that purely spending a lot of time with someone predicts attraction.

Then one day, as I scrolled through profiles, a guy caught my eye. He worked at Facebook and listed competitive programming as a hobby. Hot.

Something about him felt familiar, so I messaged him and we chatted for a week until I realized something.

“You’re Will’s brother!” I messaged in horror.

The next day Will said: “My brother is incredible. You should give him a chance.”

I didn’t know if this was a compliment or an omen that he wasn’t into me himself.

“Sorry, I don’t mix my work and personal life,” I told his brother coolly.

But I knew exactly which of my co-workers were single because I’d match with them on OkCupid. This was how I learned one Sunday that Will was newly single.

On Monday, Will was dressed smartly. “Whenever I dress up, everyone knows I’m going on a date,” he said

I still considered him off-limits, but threats to his singlehood were imminent.

So I planned “dates” for the entire office — karaoke, camping, drinking — and always sat next to Will. But when he got to work in his “date jacket,” I knew he wasn’t getting the message.

Then one evening after work, I caught Will alone walking to the subway.

“So, dating. Sounds like you’re doing a lot of it!” I said. “What are you looking for?”

“I like dating people who are completely different from me,” he replied.

“Funny!” I said, “I always go out with guys just like me — programmers.”

“Really?” he asked. “I would never date a programmer.” Was this rejection?

As we neared the subway stop, he turned to face me and took a breath. “Look,” he said. “I’m going to say this once, and I promise I won’t bug you about it ever again.”

He paused. I looked up at him. I wondered what I’d look like in his plaid flannel.

“I think you should give my brother a chance,” he said.

“Will. I would NEVER date your brother.” “OK!” he said. “Forget I asked.” The next week, I held a game night at my apartment. At midnight my co-workers left, except for Will, who stayed back with a half-full glass. “I just want to finish my drink,” he said.

We sat close on my couch. “I think maybe you should kiss me,” I said.

He did. “I’ve been into you for months,” he said.

“Me, too,” I replied.

“I just didn’t want to be one of those guys that hits on his coworker,” Will said.

“What changed your mind?” I asked.

“When I realized I’d rather quit than not tell you how I felt.”

The next night, I stayed at Will’s apartment. On the way to his bathroom in the morning, I met the brother. I smiled, glad I’d held out for the original.

There was no explicit policy forbidding employee dating, but Will and I agreed not to tell anyone. The secrecy was kind of hot.

After five months, Will quit his job. With nothing left to hide, we came out.

“Well, obviously,” a co-worker said. “Why didn’t you just tell us? Nobody would’ve cared.”

But then, as now, I still didn’t know: When is it OK to ask out a co-worker? When you were sure the feeling was mutual? How could you ever be? So when people ask me how we met, I just say: “Through OkCupid.”