The city’s lame water arguments spring a leak

Looking wide-eyed in wonder at our Enmax bill, I safely assumed there wasn’t some sneaky water leak draining away our meagre family funds.

Nope, that much I was sure about as, according to the statement, the entire amount of water usage billed by the currently under-fire city utility for that particular month came in at a whopping zero.

Yes, apparently over 30 days, we’d used zero, zip and zilch of the wet stuff in our house. That, in of itself, should be occasion for some environmental stewardship award — hey, maybe I’d get to meet David Suzuki. Sadly, it dawned no one would attend, fearing the smell.

But even if I’d forgotten to shower for a month, nor flushed the toilet, or washed a dish — a possibility, it must be admitted — that could not be imagined of my wife. Therefore, something was up.

Being a cynical chap at heart, I figured Enmax had screwed up. Not wanting to waste 30 minutes of my life waiting on hold listening to music Barry Manilow himself would term lame, I instead figured we’d be billed double the next month, so let it ride.

Well, even if I’d been living the dubious life of a bachelor hermit, I wouldn’t have believed the next water usage bill. Zero, once more.

So, after a mercifully short exposure to musical bad taste, a rather nice young lady eventually informed me it could be that a three-month billing cycle was being implemented at my house. (I should add the actual bottom line to these bills was far from zero — having more riders than you’ll see at the Kentucky Derby.)

This turned out to be poppycock as, over the next six months, the question of whether we’d be billed for using water in any given month

You’ll never get Enmax to admit anything. You should call your councillor.

turned into an offshoot of a child’s game you could call aquatic chairs.

Then a man from the city arrived. At least he’d been seconded by the city to do some work on the meter, not because of our complaints to Enmax, but because changes were needed to ensure meters could be read remotely with more accuracy.

Ah, a light dawned. Some months, no doubt, the meter wasn’t registering to the drive-by reading device and therefore we were getting a big fat zero. Then, on other occasions, it kicked in, hence the large catch-up bill I received. It seemed plausible to me and, after explaining the history, also to the pleasantly efficient guy updating our meter.

“Lots of people are complaining about bills. But you’ll never get Enmax to admit anything. You should call your councillor,” was his suggestion.

With the problem solved, I didn’t bother, but when tales of ordinary folk getting hit with water bills from Enmax for as much as $4,000 began to surface, it didn’t surprise me. Nor did the subsequent excuse wash — it must have been their fault for leaving a tap running, or some other nonsense. Heck, you could leave the Suez Canal running for 31 days and not wrack up that much water use.

After months of essentially blaming Calgarians for this mess, the city decided to reimburse folk who’d received these mammoth bills. It was suggested the $1.5-million cost would be a surcharge on everyone’s bill. Oh goody, I wondered, would that line item be called “incompetence” or “your stupid neighbour’s fault.”

Darn it, city council nixed that silly plan, so now the cost just gets absorbed into the giant Enmax maw.

Yet the city and Enmax still seem intent on suggesting individual Calgary families are at fault for those humongous bills, with undetected leaks being blamed.

If they actually believe such patent nonsense, then forgiving such bills would be asinine. People could open every tap in the house for a month and, when the super-duper bill arrives, get the city to pick it up.

Meanwhile, Enmax’s top five executives recently received $1.5 million in bonuses atop their salaries. Now, why does that number sound familiar?