AFRAID OF TOMORROW?
This is the third instalment in a series on grief by writer Shauna Caldwell, who lost her twin sons in an accident in 2016. Her next piece will appear on the Faith page of the Calgary Herald on July 25.
Have you noticed the heartfelt expressions of solidarity in storefront windows recently? Rainbows accompanying the slogan “It will be okay” demonstrate a genuine care for all who are struggling.
I would never fault another’s efforts to lift community spirits, but for anyone who has experienced unexpected loss, this platitude can feel like an affront. Personal circumstances scream, “It will NOT be okay.” No human being can guarantee the outcome.
Whether the challenges relate to unemployment, strained relationships, physical or mental health, financial instability or lack of support, you can feel helpless, desperately out of control and afraid. FEAR: My grief-related fears have been both rational and irrational. I have a heightened anxiety that I might lose someone else tragically. One time, while readying for a vacation, I panicked as we were leaving for the airport. I was intensely afraid — anticipating that while we were away I would lose another loved one by death. It took Herculean effort to get out our front door. I wept uncontrollably on the way to the airport.
When you have experienced significant changes or losses, the fear is real because you now recognize the threat. You can clearly imagine a new and terrible reality in vivid colour.
Following the death of his wife, C. S. Lewis wrote: “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” He started to feel symptoms — a fluttering stomach, a tightening throat, restlessness. His wife had been the axis upon which his whole world turned. Now that she was gone, he was no longer the same. Who was he now? What would his life look like going forward as he raised her two sons?
UNCERTAINTY: Uncertainty knocks us off our feet. Things we have taken for granted are now missing, and the resulting disorientation challenges our life assumptions. For instance, we falsely assumed that if we ate right, took care of ourselves and loved others, we would have a safe and trouble-free life.
IDENTITY: When there is significant loss, it feels like other things that define me are also at risk of being taken away. I contemplate inwardly as to what actually defines me: a career, a relationship, or academic achievement. However, when these things are stripped away, who am I at the very core? A strange loneliness accompanies this process.
ANGER: Have you ever been rattled by an angry person? Although anger seems to be the dominant emotion, it often acts as a firewall — an unconscious effort to protect the individual from the vulnerable fear that they are feeling. Anger is fear’s bodyguard.
Here are three types of fears I’ve experienced. Some hide themselves behind anger. Be encouraged; by facing fears head on, I believe you may gradually replace your fear with peace. In the process, you may find that anger’s exhaustion starts to diminish.
Fear of abandonment: As this loss changes me, will I lose friendships? Will I fit in anymore? Does God care? Abandonment — whether real or imagined — brings on feelings of loneliness. This emotion often gets redirected as anger toward events, people, disease, or God. I realize that God may seem silent, but He is listening. He is near.
Fear of being labelled: I’ve felt the stigma of being “that parent” who lost two children in a tragic accident. You may feel embarrassment: “He’s that guy who’s still out of work”. You may feel isolation: “She’s the one whose marriage is on the rocks.” If your identity is displaced by other’s judgments, you end up losing “you.” In my identity crisis, I’ve dug deep to find comfort. As a Jesus-follower, my identity is fixed. I am loved by God no matter what has happened. I am His child.
Fear of losing my mind: I can feel like I am going crazy. The “not understanding” and the “not being heard” are emotionally painful. It’s hard to regulate the intense emotions. I don’t recognize myself anymore. This is a scary place to be. Spiritual truth has been my sanity. I cling to God’s words, “Be not dismayed,” for He is my God.
It is very hard work, but as I face these fears over time, I begin to let God comfort and love me, and I can start to release the anger. I have found scripture to be healing. This verse hangs on our wall, speaking to my tender, protected fears. I trust that it will help you too.
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not,” says the Lord, “for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will lift you up …”
Dear one, God’s personal message is hanging in the window: “It’s going to be okay.” I know God holds the power to ensure that — ultimately — things will be okay.
There are many other fears to mention: fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of death, fear of it happening again, fear that my heart will never heal. Please join me for a companion article at: www.evanjordan.ca.
Next instalment: July 25.