IT'S TIME TO CHANGE GEARS THIS CHRISTMAS
Life will be particularly hard this season; adjustments are necessary
Losses and changes at Christmas are like the grinding sounds when you attempt to change gears without depressing the clutch!
The joy of the season seems eclipsed by losses. The inability to pay bills — never mind buying gifts, fear about prospects for employment or relationships, hearing that a close contact tested positive for COVID, or sorrow over a loved one's empty chair — can threaten to rob you of joy. As you hunker down in isolation, you wonder what happened to it being a “Holly, Jolly Christmas.”
Life will be particularly hard this holiday season. Adjustments are necessary.
Culturally, Christmas has the expectation that everything and everyone is happy. Stores will even market products as “giving us joy.”
By contrast however, Christmas has a way of sharpening the awareness that all is not well in our lives. How do we reconcile a season of celebration with the palpable reality of loss?
Let's fortify ourselves for the season ahead, by:
1. Understanding our feelings;
2. Developing coping strategies; and,
3. Focusing on hope within our realities.
Feelings: As we have discovered in this series, the feelings associated with loss and change are often new and overwhelming — yet they are normal! Don't be surprised that your emotional thresholds are low. If you are easily overwhelmed, pace yourself. If you feel tentative and uncertain, lower your expectations, and don't overcommit. If you are swinging on the emotional pendulum, recognize that this season will be a blend of both heartache and joy.
If you feel guilty as you enjoy some lighthearted fun, know that internal struggles around joy and laughter are very common. If disappointment threatens to rob you of simple pleasures, allow yourself to wrestle with the idea that faith in God doesn't insulate you from pain.
Everyday events can ambush you with fresh waves of grief — a song, a fragrance in the air, specific words and gestures, or the painful necessity to sell items to make ends meet.
Some triggers can be anticipated, such as pulling out ornaments or old family photos. However, some triggers will catch you off-guard, such as running into a co-worker who survived the layoffs when you didn't. Expecting these triggers, and their effect upon you, is an important way to develop healthy coping strategies.
Coping Strategies: Care for yourself. It is easy to neglect yourself when sadness invades. Eat healthy, develop a balanced sleep pattern, and exercise. Avoid attempting to numb your pain. Drinking excessively, self-medicating, or trying to eat your pain away is destructive. Be courageous! Give yourself permission to feel your hurts rather than running from them. Have an understanding person you know who will listen to you without judgment.
Accept invitations tentatively. Be honest with the host that you have good and bad days. Be ready to back out of commitments if you feel emotionally fragile. Pre-plan a tactful exit strategy when your capacity for socializing has ended. This includes Zoom!
Honour the past and create new traditions. Think of ways to acknowledge loved ones who were in your life — hang a sentimental item in a prominent place, prepare their favourite food, or set a place for them at the table. It is especially meaningful to freely talk about them; invite others not to “walk on eggshells” around you.
Embrace the reality of a limited budget and ensure that it will not rob you of celebration with your family. Life is more than stuff! Your current mission is to accept and adjust to the facts. There is no perfect way to navigate through this mission. It can feel like a roller-coaster, so extend grace to yourself and others.
Realities: When it feels like the world is caving in, be reminded that you won't always feel the way you do currently. Things change! Though it is emotionally hard work, recognize that you are moving away from a “relationship of presence” to a “relationship of memory”. This is one of many helpful insights of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, whose website is a great resource at www.centerforloss.com.
Personal Challenge: The pain of loss and change has a way of turning us inward. One counterintuitive way to care for yourself is to serve others. Open yourself up to connect with someone else who is hurting or alone. Reach out to them. Shovel snow for a neighbour, bake a cake, write a card, send a text, or offer to pick up groceries for someone. Take the initiative to phone a friend. You will discover that you become the unintended beneficiary of your own kindness!
Did you know that you can be a “Hope Hero” to a friend who is struggling with loss? No cape required! Don't underestimate the value you bring with simple acts of kindness. My friend Shirley Thiessen, author of The Little Black Funeral Dress, gives meaningful ideas on how to be a “Hope Hero” to a grieving friend. You will discover three simple suggestions in her short online video:
This is the final instalment in a series on grief that Shauna Caldwell has been writing. She thanks Neil Parker for his assistance with editing.
You can check out www.evanjordan. ca to read a companion Christmas article by Caldwell and to register for emailed blog posts from her, as she continues to write in 2021.