THE POSNER-GOLDMAN FAMILY
THEIR BLEND: Melissa Posner has two children from a previous marriage, Adam, 6, and Ella, 4. Since she met Mitchell Goldman in September 2012, they have had their own daughter, Marlowe, 3, and moved in together. The older kids also spend two weekends each month with their biological father.
THEIR STORY: Melissa and Mitchell had instant chemistry. On their first date, they shared a sense of humour and felt like they had known each other forever. Still, they took their time incorporating Mitchell into Adam’s and Ella’s lives. “After about six months of dating, I invited Mitchell to meet the kids,” says Melissa. “We would have hot chocolate or ice cream together. We chose a neutral place or a fun activity so there was no pressure or expectation on anyone’s part.”
These days, the kids call him Mitchy Daddy or Daddy. But it’s been a big adjustment for the couple— especially for Mitchell, who went from zero kids to three. They see a blendedfamily specialist for help ensuring that the older children feel on par with the toddler and to foster equality when it comes to parenting and decisionmaking. “Counselling has really given us a chance to communicate and raise any issues that come up,” says Melissa.
Rebecca Murray, a marital and family therapist and director of the Montreal Therapy Centre, approves. “Seeing a therapist is a great way to get the tools and coping mechanisms parents need to blend successfully,” she says.
Therapy was especially helpful for Mitchell. “As a new stepfather, it was difficult to judge whether the kids accepted me and to know what role I’d play in their lives,” he says. As their relationship evolved, it became important to include him in decisions, rules and discipline. “This involved a new layer of change for us, and sometimes that process was forgotten, which made me feel like a bystander,” he says. Now, Melissa consults with him on everything from the kids’ gymnastics schedule to family vacations, a practice they discussed in therapy.
To make them feel special, the older children were each given roles to help feed or change baby Marlowe. They also get to have fun big-kid outings, such as bike rides with Mitchell to Mcdonald’s on weekends. Plus, Mitchell makes spending time with Adam and Ella a priority, often giving them breakfast, driving them to school and attending their hockey games and swimming lessons. “It’s something he wanted to do naturally,” says Melissa. “He’s an excellent father.”
THE TAKEAWAY: It’s all about inclusion. “I like how Mitchell is involved in family decisions and not made to feel like an outsider,” says Murray. “Treating all of the kids equally is important, too. Children are really in tune to fairness, justice and injustice. If the older kids perceive the biological child is being treated differently, they will act out.”