It takes two El­lie Tesher

Cape Breton Post - - ADVICE/GAMES - Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice. Copy­right 2017: El­lie Tesher Dis­trib­uted by: Torstar Syn­di­ca­tion Ser­vices

Q: I’m 62, in love with a woman for ten years. She has three adult chil­dren liv­ing un­der her roof, ages 22 to 28, all young men.

They’re all con­tribut­ing fi­nan­cially.

I’ve only spent one night at her home in all the years that I’ve known her.

Re­cently, we broke up, or re­al­is­ti­cally, I got the boot (even off her Face­book friends page) as my ca­reer went south and I have a few le­gal mat­ters to re­solve.

This is un­der­stand­able and I do re­ally feel she should seek a bet­ter op­tion.

I haven’t seen her for four months! It’s been bru­tal!

Since she ap­par­ently doesn’t want any­thing to do with me, (though she emails oc­ca­sion­ally), am I a fool hang­ing on here? Have you a game plan for me? I know what love is and I do love her and re­ally want her hap­pi­ness to be first and fore­most. — Still Lov­ing A: You’ve al­ready sur­passed the odds in a wait­ing game, with your ten years of danc­ing around a ro­mance that never be­came a live-in re­la­tion­ship.

Now, she’s ap­par­ently de­cided that your busi­ness prob­lems have made the si­t­u­a­tion prob­lem­atic.

On the prac­ti­cal level, her sons con­trib­ute fi­nan­cially, while you don’t or can’t.

But be­ing loved so openly and whole­heart­edly as you feel about her, is hard to give up. There may be hope. Fo­cus on what’s needed to set­tle your ‘le­gal mat­ters.’

Con­tinue gen­tle email con­tact and let her know, oc­ca­sion­ally, that you miss her. Also, that you’re set­tling your own is­sues as quickly as you can.

Af­ter that, well, if you don’t get any signs of re-in­ter­est af­ter a cou­ple more months, she’s ap­par­ently de­cided that ten years of be­ing adored at a dis­tance is enough talk with no mu­tual sat­is­fac­tion.

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the woman whose hus­band’s ex-wife has for­bid­den any con­tact be­tween his chil­dren and her (Jan­uary 19):

Reader - ‘To ‘Wor­ried New Wife’ - Run!! My 16-year re­la­tion­ship started out the same way, though he’d al­ready been di­vorced for five years.

‘His ex-wife had bro­ken up his ev­ery re­la­tion­ship be­fore me (I didn’t know this, then).

‘When I came along, their daugh­ter was forced by the courts to visit/stay at our home, but I wasn’t al­lowed to at­tend any func­tions or even give gifts.

‘The child is now 23. The re­la­tion­ship was, and is still, un­com­fort­able be­tween her, me, and my daugh­ter.

‘It was drilled into his child when very young that I’m the rea­son her par­ents aren’t to­gether.

‘There were con­stant lies about my daugh­ter, even last year.

‘If I had to do it over again, know­ing what I know now, I’d run as fast as I can.

‘He’s a lov­ing and kind per­son, which is why this was al­lowed and con­tin­ued. He was crip­pled with fear that she’d do some­thing dras­tic like claim child molesta­tion.

‘She dragged us into court, lost and was told by the judge that her whole case was sim­ply out of vin­dic­tive­ness with no sub­stan­tial truth.

‘She moved with their child with­out let­ting us know their lo­ca­tion.

‘Why did I stay? He’d im­me­di­ately moved in with me and my kids very early in the re­la­tion­ship and I felt re­ally sorry to tell him to leave.

‘Also, he treats me very lov­ingly and was very kind to my kids.

‘But me and my chil­dren paid a price. So No, it’s not worth it. I should’ve stayed sin­gle.’

El­lie - A sad, cau­tion­ary tale of the harm caused by vin­dic­tive­ness and fear.

Q: She’s been my best friend since third grade. We just turned 60.

We stayed close over 40-plus years. I held all of her new­born ba­bies and she saw me through two mar­riages and my child’s birth.

Last year, she said her old­est child’s wed­ding would be small and we wouldn’t be in­vited.

I was dis­ap­pointed but ac­cepted it.

Her son was get­ting mar­ried soon af­ter and I was in­formed, apolo­get­i­cally, that we again wouldn’t be in­vited as space was lim­ited and they had a small in­vi­ta­tion list.

I’m hav­ing a hard time get­ting past this, try­ing to be ma­ture but I’m very hurt. How To Re­spond? A: Re­spond with grace and un­der­stand­ing.

Forty years later, there are many other must-at­tend peo­ple - her daugh­ter’s new in-laws, her son’s close friends, his bride’s rel­a­tives, etc.

She’s un­com­fort­able but is count­ing on your long friend­ship.

Wish her well. Say you’d love to later hear all about the wed­dings.

TIP OF THE DAY Love at a dis­tance can only be kept warm if both par­ties fan the flame.

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