It takes two Ellie Tesher
Q: I’m 62, in love with a woman for ten years. She has three adult children living under her roof, ages 22 to 28, all young men.
They’re all contributing financially.
I’ve only spent one night at her home in all the years that I’ve known her.
Recently, we broke up, or realistically, I got the boot (even off her Facebook friends page) as my career went south and I have a few legal matters to resolve.
This is understandable and I do really feel she should seek a better option.
I haven’t seen her for four months! It’s been brutal!
Since she apparently doesn’t want anything to do with me, (though she emails occasionally), am I a fool hanging on here? Have you a game plan for me? I know what love is and I do love her and really want her happiness to be first and foremost. — Still Loving A: You’ve already surpassed the odds in a waiting game, with your ten years of dancing around a romance that never became a live-in relationship.
Now, she’s apparently decided that your business problems have made the situation problematic.
On the practical level, her sons contribute financially, while you don’t or can’t.
But being loved so openly and wholeheartedly as you feel about her, is hard to give up. There may be hope. Focus on what’s needed to settle your ‘legal matters.’
Continue gentle email contact and let her know, occasionally, that you miss her. Also, that you’re settling your own issues as quickly as you can.
After that, well, if you don’t get any signs of re-interest after a couple more months, she’s apparently decided that ten years of being adored at a distance is enough talk with no mutual satisfaction.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband’s ex-wife has forbidden any contact between his children and her (January 19):
Reader - ‘To ‘Worried New Wife’ - Run!! My 16-year relationship started out the same way, though he’d already been divorced for five years.
‘His ex-wife had broken up his every relationship before me (I didn’t know this, then).
‘When I came along, their daughter was forced by the courts to visit/stay at our home, but I wasn’t allowed to attend any functions or even give gifts.
‘The child is now 23. The relationship was, and is still, uncomfortable between her, me, and my daughter.
‘It was drilled into his child when very young that I’m the reason her parents aren’t together.
‘There were constant lies about my daughter, even last year.
‘If I had to do it over again, knowing what I know now, I’d run as fast as I can.
‘He’s a loving and kind person, which is why this was allowed and continued. He was crippled with fear that she’d do something drastic like claim child molestation.
‘She dragged us into court, lost and was told by the judge that her whole case was simply out of vindictiveness with no substantial truth.
‘She moved with their child without letting us know their location.
‘Why did I stay? He’d immediately moved in with me and my kids very early in the relationship and I felt really sorry to tell him to leave.
‘Also, he treats me very lovingly and was very kind to my kids.
‘But me and my children paid a price. So No, it’s not worth it. I should’ve stayed single.’
Ellie - A sad, cautionary tale of the harm caused by vindictiveness and fear.
Q: She’s been my best friend since third grade. We just turned 60.
We stayed close over 40-plus years. I held all of her newborn babies and she saw me through two marriages and my child’s birth.
Last year, she said her oldest child’s wedding would be small and we wouldn’t be invited.
I was disappointed but accepted it.
Her son was getting married soon after and I was informed, apologetically, that we again wouldn’t be invited as space was limited and they had a small invitation list.
I’m having a hard time getting past this, trying to be mature but I’m very hurt. How To Respond? A: Respond with grace and understanding.
Forty years later, there are many other must-attend people - her daughter’s new in-laws, her son’s close friends, his bride’s relatives, etc.
She’s uncomfortable but is counting on your long friendship.
Wish her well. Say you’d love to later hear all about the weddings.
TIP OF THE DAY Love at a distance can only be kept warm if both parties fan the flame.