Husband’s support matters most

Q: I’m 23 and I’ve been with my wife for over three years, married for a year and a half.

She’s 20 and a victim of her own father molesting her. She finally came forward during her eighth grade year.

Her mother chose to believe her father, which made the court struggle immense. My wife was represented by a court-appointed lawyer, while the family spent their savings on a lawyer for her father.

He isn’t allowed to be around my wife.

She has two brothers, 17 and 15 now, and a sister, nine, all of whom still live with my wife’s father. Everyone in the family talks about him in front of us.

I’m struggling with even communicating with her family. The boys can’t accept or believe their father did that.

With the world pointing out the truth, her mother will never believe it. She says “the therapist said my wife wouldn’t tell the truth till she’s 25.”

What can I do to feel better about my wife’s family and not hate them all?

A: Follow your wife’s lead. If she wants and needs to be at family gatherings, then of course she also needs you along for support. If she still communicates with her mother, and allows conversations about her father, that’s her choice. But she also has a right to change her mind about that if it bothers her, or affects you two as a couple.

Hopefully, she’s had good counselling, but it’s not surprising if she needs ongoing professional help dealing with her mother, her siblings, and what happened to her when she was so young and vulnerable.

You’d also benefit from a counselling process along with her, to decide together how to handle this as a couple. Of course, the family’s insensitivity infuriates you. But your wife needs your understanding and love most.