Unhealthy relationship not worth any more time

Q: My sex life with my boyfriend of eight years became increasingly infrequent three years ago, then stopped for an entire year!

I’d still ask him for sex even though I hated the inevitable rejection. He’d say that it wasn’t me, that he had low testosterone.

I periodically stayed at his place for a week, until he told me he needed his space. I’d leave for several days until he asked me to return.

Twice, I found women’s shorts and underwear in his laundry. He said they were in a truck he’d recently bought.

I’m not naive or a pushover; I just love him. So, I let it go because I feared the truth.

Finally, I looked through his phone.

I found text messages to a woman asking her if she’d like to have some drinks, etc. I confronted him, and he threw me out for going through his phone.

Later, he swore he’d never met her and we decided to work things out. But no matter how hard I try, I don’t trust him anymore.

I found he’s on Internet dating sites talking to numerous women AND transvestites. I learned that he’s a closet crossdresser and I believe he’s bisexual.

I want to confront him, but it means admitting I’ve been going through his emails and dating site profiles.

Was I wrong to do this in order to find out he’s been lying to me for at least the last three years??

— Uncertain About Snooping

A: I know this is emotionally hard for you to accept, but you’ve been deceived for way too long.

How you found out no longer matters. He lied and cheated for years, and now turns the matter around to blame you.

His being a cross-dresser and/or bi-sexual are part of his identity, perhaps only discovered these last few years.

Had he told you, it might’ve been acceptable to you because you loved him.

But his pushing you away, lying about why, all the while cheating, cannot be accepted. He’s destroyed your trust and diminished your self-confidence.

Run, don’t walk. Get away from his influence on you. It’s not a healthy relationship and is no longer able to become one.

Q: I’m in high school and having sex with my ex again. We aren’t in a relationship, but we frequently hang out just to have sex.

I want to stop because she doesn’t want a full relationship and I know she’s not good for me.

But she’s very dramatic and I’m certain that if I tell her I want to stop hanging out she’ll blow up at me and tell everyone what we’ve been doing.

I don’t want to lose my friends’ respect and have everyone judge me for my stupid decision.

— Don’t Know What to Do. A: You DO know that you need to speak up to her now, and you don’t get a pass for being scared.

Talk to the girl, respectfully. Start with an apology that even though you feel she deserves more than hooking up, you went along with casual sex.

Say that you realize that you’re both not ready for a relationship. But you care for her as a friend.

If she does react dramatically, talk to someone you trust, like a parent if possible, or a teacher, etc.

Say that you realize you were wrong to treat sex so coldly without taking into account her emotions.

If she does badmouth you, explain the situation to your friends who matter.

FEEDBACK Regarding the mother who’s estranged from her daughter (February 6):

Reader: “This could be a case of parental alienation syndrome where one parent actively, though subtly, alienates the child’s affection from the other parent.

“PAS usually happens during a marital separation and divorce.

“I believe alienation techniques have been used by this father for a long time - with the daughter in disputes with her mother rather than trying to explore what really happened.

“The mother seems desperate for answers about the daughter’s hostility. The father’s making no effort to help her with the big loss of her daughter but is also increasing the divide between them.”

Ellie: I included this response because it may lead the original writer to get the counselling I encouraged.

Readers’ input is very helpful regarding possible new insight, but, for an actual diagnosis and follow-up, the mother needs to talk to a professional.

TIP OF THE DAY

When trust ends, seeking truth is sometimes the only way to save yourself from more deception.