‘Friend’ comes between married couple

Q- I don’t believe that my wife’s having a sexual affair, but her new male coworker/friend, divorced and single, has caused us many fights.

He’s hung out with her and my children, and had them sleep over at his house,

I don’t know him. She’s lied about meeting him outside work, “sparing my feelings” because I don’t like him.

He’s been very disrespectful towards me in my own home.

I found a selfie of him shirtless in his apartment on my wife’s phone.

She defended it as “just his wacky sense of humour!”

She told me to get used to it, that he’s not going away.

I love my wife. She’s used to doing whatever she wants, and me adjusting to it. This is the first relationship that’s worried me about her.

How can we get past this?

— THREE’S ALL WRONG A - This goes beyond doing “whatever she wants.” She’s being disrespectful to you, involving your kids with a man you don’t know, and whom you suspect of wanting an affair with your wife.

Your marriage is on the line because you won’t be able to accept this for long — and shouldn’t.

Co-worker friendships outside the office aren’t unusual, but when that person’s a potential threat to the couple, he/she either has to be accepted by the partner or there’s an impasse ahead, and it’s usually not pretty.

Tell her so, and insist that she be open to you about their relationship and if it’s getting too close, that you get counselling together.

If she refuses, see a counsellor on your own, discuss your marriage, and what you’re willing to do about all this.

Q- My husband linked me to the chat you once held about someone accusing you of cheating.

You said that if you’re innocent, yet are constantly being accused of cheating, maybe look closer at the person who’s doing the accusing.

I think he’s cheated, since he didn’t come home one night. He left work at 9 p.m.

After my frantically trying to reach him all night with no response, he texted me at 9 a.m. the next day that he got a hotel room because it’s a 45-minute drive home and he was too tired. So he stayed near work for the next day.

He’s never done this before, but has previously disappeared for ten-plus hours because he just didn’t come home until the bar closed.

Now, he’s trying to use the “look at the accuser” chat to make me defend myself instead of focusing on what he did. Any suggestions?

— REVERSE ACCUSATION A - Whether it’s a case of cheating or getting too drunk to come home, or even just escapism for a night, his explanation doesn’t ring true.

He could’ve called when he decided to go to the hotel, explaining he was too tired to drive 45 minutes to home (odd, but possible).

He certainly should’ve called in the night, knowing how worried you’d be.

But any ten-hour night-time disappearance is also a red flag. Even if not signalling an affair, an alcoholic binge is also worrisome.

Now, his turning it all around on the “accuser” is just a diversion tactic.

There’s no real “win” when you get to the truth, but you can’t just accept this atmosphere of distrust and countercharges.

If he cheated, you need to know why, and whether he’s willing to work on the marriage.

If he’s a “disappearing” binge drinker, he needs help to fight his addiction.

He’s acting too dodgy for a reverse-accusation to have any merit.