No reason for wife to change bad behavior

Q: My wife of three years (together for seven) cheated on me two months before the wedding.

She’d been pressuring for a “hall-pass” and wore me down.

She’d hidden that she’d already been making out and posing in her underwear for the guy.

So they had sex and she dumped that bomb on me a day before our first-date anniversary.

I loved her so I forgave her. But things weren’t great, as I was the sole person taking responsibility and whom she depended on, for everything (money, home upkeep, etc.).

Now our sex life has died, but not from lack of interest on my part. She’s always been focused on only her needs.

So after a year of giving her space, and trying to get her to get help to figure out why she can cheat on me, then also tease sex and say she wants me but not actually do anything about it.

I worry there’s something medical or something from the past that she refuses to confront.

I finally said I’d give her four weeks to at least to try to see someone (doctor or something) before I leave her.

Two weeks, she’s done nothing. Is it wrong of me to expect that she tries to get help?

The constant rejections have affected my mood and I’ve stopped going to the gym. I feel like I’ve stopped caring about anything in life.

— At End of my Rope

A: Use that deadline and get to a counsellor yourself!

You’re pushing against a brick wall and what matters more than why she’s so emotionally cruel to you, is why you let her be.

Asking for a hall-pass weeks prior to your wedding was the signal that she’s not in this marriage for keeps.

She’s not willing to be responsible for anything in it, including intimacy.

Whether she’s got mental health issues or past demons haunting her, you’ll not find out from her.

But your own therapist can help you look differently at trying to get through to someone who’s not really there with you and only teases then rejects you to prove it.

What’s to love here? Save yourself, instead. You’re unwittingly enabling her mean game.

Q: My sister and I have always been very close. We’re both single, working part-time but can add more hours, and living on our own. We go out together weekly.

She earns more than double what I get and is very generous.

She pays for most of our outings and when doing errands together, she’ll buy me a gift or something I need.

She paid for an all-inclusive vacation for us both after I declined to go because I thought it was too pricey.

I prefer to save my money to pay off my mortgage and other payments.

So I show my thanks by dropping off homemade desserts and doing her yard work.

Recently, I learned that she’s chosen to work less. I know she’s responsible and will work when needed.

But I’ve realized she’s now making the same income as me. It makes me feel guilty about how much she’s spent on me.

Should I stop letting her pay for everything and reveal that we make the same? I feel like I’m taking advantage of her. — Guilty Pleasure

A: Once you feel you’re taking advantage, it’s crucial to stop.

You can make up for the past, too, by sharing more cooking a meal at home together instead of eating out, shopping together in discount stores, etc.

Don’t risk this solid sister bond.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “lazy” boyfriend who’s considering a nursing career (March 3):

Reader: “I’m a retired Registered Nurse (RN) with 37 years of clinical experience, plus many experiences in nursing education in hospital, college, and university settings. I’ve counselled many students about career planning.

“I suggest that he spends some time volunteering in several different nursing settings to obtain a clear picture of what these roles encompass and what he can expect from such a career.

“Either he should volunteer in a particular area of interest (e.g. Emergency Department, extended care, etc.) or in a few different areas, for a broader view.

“It’s hard to understand a role you’ve never done or been exposed to, so it’s common for many considering a nursing career to volunteer prior to applying.

“Also, it implies that you’re taking the decision seriously and it was worthwhile to that person to volunteer and learn more.”

TIP OF THE DAY: Forgiving repeated meanness and rejections gives your partner no reason to change.