Kids need to be put first when co-parenting

Dear Readers: With divorce and re-marriages relatively common, “blended families” with children raised by more than one set of parents, face many challenges.

Following is a cautionary tale of what happens when bitterness rules one parent’s decisions:

Commentary: “My husband’s mother and mine were best friends. When both in our 20’s, I had a son from a previous relationship, he’d had a short marriage, and then married again.

“They lived in a city 500km (300 miles) from mine, a fivehour drive.

“Once when in town, he came to dinner with my sister and me. He said his wife wanted a divorce and was involved with another man.His children were ages four and two.

“That summer, my sister and I invited him and his kids to our cottage.We ended up getting together. There’d been nothing between us previously.

“He moved to my city that Fall. I loved his children, and they seemed to love me. The parents worked out a visitation schedule and we met halfway between our two cities to pick up and deliver his kids.

“We married, I had a daughter, and everything seemed great.

“But then his ex married, got pregnant, refused to drive the children halfway and sought sole custody with severely limited access.

“We fought her in court. My husband retained joint custody. We secured liberal access including six weeks in summer, and she again had to meet us halfway.

“The children were seven and five. But she was angry and bitter. The next several years brought many arguments.

“We had another daughter. My children loved their siblings, and we’d come together as this wonderful blended family.

“There were still endless battles and threats to return to court. When the kids were early teenagers, their mom took them to a counselor who concluded they should now come in summer for only four weeks.

“Now they had to travel to see us by train.

“When his daughter wanted to go away with a friend during “our” week, her father suggested she come the next week. Her mother refused.

“He decided the kids didn’t have to come if they didn’t want to.

“Then, my husband had to suddenly be on a plane going elsewhere when he was supposed to be picking them up.

“Our lawyer informed his ex at 10am that he was unable to get them but that the kids could call us when they next wanted to come here.

“His son called me hours later at 6:00pm because their mother didn’t tell them anything. She’d let them pack their bags and wait.

“They never again came to see us. It was awful for them, our children, my son, and my entire family.

“My husband paid a massive amount of child support, they enjoyed many cruises, and trips while our kids did not

“The years have passed, the kids sometimes connected when we were in Montreal.

“Child support finally ended two years ago, and my husband’s reconnected with his daughter, 24, but his son, 26, wants nothing to do with us.

“Their mother got what she wanted: child support without any obligation. The only people to get hurt were her children and us.

“Blended families” are hard work, trying to parent with other parents involved. We’ve lost a lot of years, as have the kids.

“But my husband and I are together and strong, looking forward to what happens next in our lives and hoping for a reconciliation with his kids, for everyone’s sake.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the widow, 18, whose husband died in a car crash 10 months ago, leaving her with a one-year-old (Feb. 25):

Reader: “My husband died suddenly when we were 28-years-old.

“It took me nearly four years to be ready to start dating again. There’s no time limit to grieving. Don’t rush her.”

Ellie: Thank you for sharing your own tragic experience. Yes, grief is different for everyone and has no time limit.

The writer of the previous question - a friend of the teenage widow’s mother - is concerned about her behaviour now because it exposes her to other potential dangers. She wrote, “She wants to party, with alcohol, drugs, and men.”

“Concerned Friend” wanted this widow to focus instead on finding grief counselling outside their small town which lacks it. I suggested the writer research access to counselling for her.

I also suggested that compassion and encouragement are more needed now than judgment about the partying.

TIP OF THE DAY: Children raised under joint custody need assurance that they’re wanted and secure with each parent.