Tricky transition from affair to relationship

Q: I’m wondering if my extra-marital affair can survive after my divorce? It started three years ago. The woman I fell for was also in a relationship.

She soon left her boyfriend, but it’s taken me this long to separate from my wife. Our divorce is in the works.

My love and I fought because she was upset that I had to lie to my wife to be with her. She often doubted me when I felt I had to be with my ex and the kids.

We’re free to be together now but there are still tensions and dis-trust on her part. — Uncertain Future

A: Try being on your own for awhile because you’ve been in an emotional tug-of-war between this woman and your wife, along with your children.

Your affair was your escape: a soft haven to avoid the responsibilities and obvious need for relationship work at home.

But while your lover participated, she also fought against it. Now she wants a commitment she can trust. There’s pressure to work on this relationship now.

Step back, and think clearly about what you have to give to any relationship.

Personal counselling can help you probe your own expectations and likelihood of your being a fully-attached, loyal partner.

Q

: I’m a man, mid-60s, retired. I have a wonderful wife, three terrific grown children, extended family nearby, and a supportive circle of great friends. I’m active and do volunteer tutoring.

But I can’t stop thinking about my “first love” of 35 years ago. For me, it was love at first sight.

I remember all the great times we had. After two years, she took a job in a distant city and I stayed on in graduate school.

By the end of the first year apart, she’d found someone else.

After grad school, I found a great job in my hometown and was starting to forget her when she wrote me. She was now working overseas.

She invited me to visit her there for a week.

It was wonderful. We literally went dancing every night. We discussed marriage. She said she looked forward to it with me but wasn’t ready.

Several months later, she returned, took a job a few hours away, but I didn’t hear until a month later that she was engaged to be married!

I was devastated. My self-esteem plunged to zero. Then six years later, a miracle I met my wife and was re-born. We created a wonderful life together.

But in the past few months, I’ve started to think of her. I know where she lives.

I try to imagine what my life would be like now if I’d married her, yet I can’t imagine my life being any better.

Why have I started to think about her?

How can I stop?

— Recurring Memories

A: Use your private reveries for feeling warm and fuzzy and enjoy that mood with your wife.

I’m talking about cuddling, having sex, sharing your most intimate conversations (but not talking about your first love, it’s rarely appreciated).

You’ve got years ahead, so this isn’t about being old. But it’s not uncommon in one’s 60’s to muse even sub-consciously that the romantic highs of the past are no longer possible. They are, but different. They’re about a deeper love and a mutually happy shared life.

Stay too busy for repeated day-dreaming - more fitness activity, more volunteer work, and more common sense when your mind strays. Do NOT contact her.

Q

: My marriage ended recently. I’d always felt our relationship could be improved if we put in more effort.

But my husband of 30 years became emotionally involved with a co-worker. I had no clue. He hid it from everyone.

He decided after months of seeing her that our marriage wasn’t reparable. I realized that he’d stopped trying.

Why do men not realize the damage emotional relationships can cause? They seem to think everything’s OK so long as there’s no sex involved.

I guess that prevented his feeling guilty. More needs to be said about emotional affairs, as they often lead to sexual affairs.

But, maybe this realization could help others.

— Too Late For Us

A: Men aren’t having those emotional affairs on their own.

Women also need to know that, if they’re in a serious relationship or married, getting overly up-close and personal with a co-worker can easily cross the line and often leaves everyone involved unhappy.

TIP OF THE DAY See-sawing from an affair to divorce to living together, obscures what you’re really able to give to a relationship.