Relationship is much more than an idea
Q : I’m 23 and only had my first relationship recently. I wanted one badly since I’d only dated guys briefly.
But after several months with my “boyfriend,” I was bored. He’s my age and had no money to spend on going out, so mostly we hung out at my parents’ place where I live (they go away a lot, and he has roommates).
We didn’t have a lot to say to each other. And the sex wasn’t that good.
So I called it off, saying I just wasn’t as ready as I thought for a relationship.
He then blamed me for pushing the relationship on him. Then he kept texting how he’s missing me. Now he’s acting like we’re still together and planning dates with me!
How do I get the message across that we’ve broken up? — First Relationship
A: He’s following one of the familiar patterns in the ways people - especially those who are inexperienced - react when they’ve been dumped.
First he got defensive - e.g. putting the responsibility for the relationship on you.
Then he got lonely and missed you. Now he’s in denial, trying to go out together.
At least it’s a gentle reaction, rather than more negative patterns - shouting, threatening, spreading rumours, etc.
If there’s any sign of these, you’d need to end all contact.
But also look at your own handling of this “relationship.” Next time, want one with a particular person, not just the idea.
Be sure the attraction is that person’s personality, interests, and the way he treats you. Sex is also better that way.
Q : I’m 18 and fell in love with theatre at 15. Since then, I’ve been in a few community plays and can’t see myself doing anything else.
All I can think about for a career choice is being an actress. Everyone knows I have such a passion for it and they say, Go for it.
My parents are somewhat supportive but they still, understandably, want me to have a back-up plan. They say that I’m very gifted at acting (so do cast members of plays I’m in), but they may just be biased.
Problem: I’m extremely negative. I tell myself, “It’s an unrealistic dream.”
I have a gut feeling that I’m meant to make it big. I think I’m pretty enough to be an actress but not drop-dead gorgeous.
I’ve been told that I stand out from most people because I have natural red hair, big blue eyes, and a great personality.
But am I dreaming too big? Do I need to get realistic and just go to college for something that I could actually get a job in?
Or, do I move to a big city, try to get noticed, and chase my dream?
— Dreams and Doubts A: Going to college is one of the best starts to achieving your dream. Theatre courses, school plays, joining a school-based Drama Club are all foundations to learning more about acting than just dreaming.
Few great actresses get there on the colour of their hair. They have similar passion for theatre, but they do NOT allow negativism to overwhelm their goal.
However, hanging out in a big city trying to “get noticed,” also isn’t enough. It can bring out worse doubts and disappointments.
Acting skills improve with reading great plays and literature, knowing history, studying psychology to understand character, etc. College can provide much of this background.
And a degree can also kickstart a marketable fall-back plan towards related careers.
Q : Eighteen years ago I was an immature, self-centered, controlling, uncivilized slob when I went on a dating site looking for love.
I found the “vilest” woman. Over time, she’s changed me into a mature, caring, un-controlling, civilized slob.
We broke up twice early on and got back together after I promised her I’d change.
Why couldn’t I have broken my promise like all the other jerks out there?
So far, I’ve battled successfully to remain a slob, though even there I’ve softened. Is it too late for me?
P.S. I’m a mildly autistic adult who’s a tad offbeat.
A: If your purpose in writing was to show that “offbeat” humour and style plus willingness to adapt to a partner’s needs, can sustain a relationship, you’ve just succeeded.
Congrats! You’ve also shown that autism can bring its own charm to a lover, and make a relationship (if not the “slob” aspect) more fun.
TIP OF THE DAY
Having a “relationship” is only an idea, unless there’s someone specific with mutual attraction to be together.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie Tesher Distributed by: Torstar Syndication Services